This is why I remain "Unemployed"

I signed up for Monster not too long ago. I get a lot of job offers for being a technical writer even though I don't technically write. Lately, it's been a lot of Navy type stuff. This weekend, it was this...

Ministry of Defense Technical Writer Mentor


Overview:


DynCorp International is privileged to have been requested to assist the Department of State (DOS) and the Government of Liberia to implement a comprehensive set of measures designed to restore the Armed Forces of Liberia and the Liberian Ministry of Defense.

There is more, but I can't show you more. I'd be forced to kill you. I can assure you that this is the good hustle. This would truly be spreading good will. Learn the history of Liberia and the history of Dyntech... you two shall see the good in the hood.

Is it in my best interested to go to Liberia?
That was the question I asked myself. I needed help coming up with an answer.

I had a meeting with some rastafarians and then another meeting with a a bunch gentile yentas with chemical depencency.

They all agree, Liberia is not the place to be.

Don't get me wrong. A lot of good things are happening there.The removal of a Tyrant in power to a freedom fighter in the truest sense of the word and the modernization of poor rural areas, are both good things. There are also crazy people that give 9 year olds AK-47s and slang heroin coming in from Southeast Asian shady places and cocaine from central American shady places to help fund genocide. This is odd because they're all black dudes. Most of them are descendants of free slaves that actually went back to Africa. That's cool, but then they got all "ooooo we have to fit in again but we want to be different... oooooo". That's normally when problems happen. When people fill the need to blend in, get slightly-rejected, and devielop quirky behavior. The worst ones that are the ones are so lost in falsehood that they forget what their country is about. Liberia... Liberty. You can't kill people for their freedom.. you can kill evil people for freedom. You can also kill them over money. Sometimes, you can kill them for both. That's why we have black-ops. That's cool. That JFK movie was cool. I however would not get to be black ops, I would just be a Ministry of Defense Technical Writer Mentor. I think I'd just be telling people that can use "fancy words" with their "fancy correct usage" how to think. I basically do that here. The dyntech job is an impressive offer. $80 grand a year, free housing, free transportation, and optional dismemberment insurance. The first three are cool, the last one makes me question the work enviroment. I'm going there to spread good thoughts and prepare for the evil that will undoubtedly come. People often misunderstand truly good people and the true concept of Freedom. They don't know the power of the buddha palm, it's a hard push in the right direction. They didn't see that "Pay it Forward" movie either. They just want shiny things and power, and they're willing to chop my Flip-light ass to do it.

No thanks.

I heard that I might be able to get a claim for a million dollars if I were to get my head sawed the fuck off. That would help my family a lot. But that would really suck for me. That would suck for everyone. I have a Billion freakin' dollars in my head and everyone knows how charitable I am. It's a shame that I must be slightly mentally fiscally conservative, but some assholes just don't respect the thinking man that uses the Art of War to help formulate his thoughts, and the Art of Lazy to blend in with his enviroment. You know, lazy assholes of America of every color. We mutts keep it mutty like that. That's why I can't sell my brain out like that. I can't trust evil people. They'll probably just try to use it to get them McDonald's and bad American pop records. That's the Satan. That's the freakin' Satan.

I am no Satanist. I'm a man that has discovered a way to reach Nirvana and Heaven, and a way to punch you mother fuckers in the face so hard with it that thunder will roar and a bunch of other shit in Garth Brooks songs will happen. But I'm also hear to give a little push. I'm your Pusher Man like that, Curtis Mayfield taught me that. I can also you push you so hard that you fall over, I learned that picking on white people on the playground. I can also push you so had and so suddenly, that you'll die because of how hard and how suddenly I hit you, I learned that watching kung fu movies. But I do it all with my mind, and I do it for the right cause. Because you people are dumber than me, and you keep dragging people into your own bullshit.

I'm respectful of others and I won't drag my bullshit into their homes. That's why I won't go to Liberia. I'll probably just get some of that Liberian cannibis and prentend that I'm one Hassan's Assassins and pick a fight... with my imagination! Then I'll say it because I got a big mouth, and I'll end up with my imagination spilled all over a floor while modern day slave traders hold up my head and laugh.

I'd imagine it would be really hard for me to tip toe through Liberia. I can't even manage to make it around the body shop I worked in for most of my life without giving myself a concussion or a knee injury. I really like my body parts. Even the smaller ones.

So, Fuck that, and fuck them. I do support the good cause though.... WITH MY IMAGINATION!

Decision: FUCK NO.

My dad thinks I'm gay

At least that's what my little brother claims. Or he might of be kidding. Sarcasm is in our family genes. Our senses of humor is the only thing that keeps us all from strangling each other. But if it's true, that's fucked up. I don't know how I'm giving off a "gay" vibe (not that there's anything wrong with that). But the stereotypical homosexual male both works out and is clean, where as I am a revolting slob of a person. I'm basically Jabba the Hutt, without the bitchin' palace in the desert. I don't know what I can do to prove to him I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I'm sorry I don't bring more females over to the house, but I try to not let them know I'm 23 years old, have no job, and still live with my dad. Perhaps he's mistaking not being able to get laid for being gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Whatever the case, I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I promise, I love vagina. Not enough to pay for it, but enough to listen to it talk about bullshit I don't care about for 5 hours. If he would like to donate some money to the "Get Paco Laid" foundation, he's more then welcome, but right now, I'm barely able to look out for Numero Uno. I've been trying to look for a job. If I believed in anything holy, I would swear to it that I have been looking. After my last stint at Fuddrucker's, I made an oath before God or whatever it is that created me that I would never work in fast food again. I almost had to break this oath because after 2 years of mailing off resumes and turning in applications, I had come up with nothing. My buddy Marcus was a bartender at a restaurant which will remain nameless, and they were hiring cooks. Usually, if your friend works at a place, you're in like flint, especially when it's a piece of shit cooking job for 8 bucks an hour. When Marcus told his manager that his friend Paco wanted a job, his manager's first response was, "Ok, does he speak English?" to which Marcus replied, "Yea, he's a white boy." His manager's response: "Oh, fuck him, I'm not hiring him." Not that I don't blame him. I probably wouldn't work as hard as any of the illegal immigrants in the kitchen. And it's not like it's racist, because the manager is a white guy who reports to white guys for a corporation owned by white guys. But fuck... I'm not even qualified to cook food for people anymore? What the fuck? I've been trying to get a job as a bartender for a while now, but let's face it: there's alot of dudes who want to be bartenders. And it's not like I'm qualified to be a bartender. I just know how to drink. I can mix a couple drinks or whatever, but realistically, I'd have to start as a barback. And it's tough just getting a job as a barback. I wish I was a chick. If I had (non-man) tits, I could get away with murder. Seriously. I wouldn't even work. I'd just charge guys to stick stuff in me. Easy money. Isn't it odd how only the most fucked up chicks are strippers and prostitutes? It seems like a good business plan to me. But I'm probably a little fucked up myself. But I'm definately not a hot chick, which kind makes it hard to prostitute myself. I'm serious, I will have sex with old women for money. That Mrs. Robinson shit is fine with me. I'm that hard up for money right now. I will take just about any job right now. I can't pass a drug test today, but if you give me long enough to get it out of my system I will. I'll even get a haircut. My hair isn't long as a sign of rebellion. I'm just too poor to get it cut. My dad charges $4 bucks now. And it's still a shitty haircut. Not as shitty as ProCuts, though. And it certainly doesn't cost $15. I fucking hate that place. No matter what I tell them to do, they always give me some sort of fucked up bowl cut. Seriously, do you expect a tip for that? While you're at it, shave around my bald spot a bit and give me the whole Friar Tuck haircut. Fucking assholes. Do they go to school for that? Can I ask to see their barber school grades before they cut my hair? Or do I need to stop letting women cut my hair? Do I need to go to one of those old fashion barbershops, where they give you a shave with a straight razor? I've always wondered what that's like. I've always hated shaving. Not shaving often only makes the situation worse. Nothing kills a disposable razor like not having shaven in a month. I don't care what you do, but you can't get half-an-inch long hairs out of the razor blade. Fuck that shit. I wish I could grow a better beard. Supposedly, the more you shave the thicker the hair grows back, but the entire purpose of growing a beard is so that I don't have to shave. It's a catch 22. Maybe I'll get the laser hair removal, but I'm not sure how I feel about the irresponsable use of laser technology. You can remove unwanted hairs, whiten your teeth, and correct your eyesight with lasers, yet we don't have laser guns? Obviously the proponents of these so-called "laser" technologies don't support the troops, because I have a feeling if the United States military issued the troops laser rifles, we would totally fuck up Iraq. Iran would be like, "Oh damn, these guys don't fuck around, we don't need nuclear technology anymore." Either that, or they'd secretly develop laser technology of their own with North Korea, financed by the Chinese. It all comes back to one thing: Harry Truman was a pussy. He should have let MacArthur nuke both the Chinese and Koreans in 1951 when we still had the chance. Back then, it was in vogue to nuke countries. You could get away with it. Now, everybody has the nukes. Mutual assured destruction really ruined it for us. For everybody, really.

Our Illegal Amigos

I'm tired. I'm tired of all these people that are "pro-giantwallbetween Mexico and the US that will keep the brown people out". It's almost painful to actually write that out.

They say things like... "Seriously, educate urself on the immigration reform."

I'm all for educating anyone on this issue. I don't think "what ifs" are facts. though. "What if we acted like the Mexicans do here... in Mexico" is not only a non-fact. It's so retarded that even I refuse to think about it.

I know a lot about immigration. I'm the son of immigrants. Most of my family in this country are immigrants. They didn't jump a border though. Some waited years for papers to be filed and other bureaucratic bullshit to take place. If the Philippines shared a border with the U.S., my entire family would be illegal aliens.

Would that make my family bad? Probably. I know that I'm prone to criminal behavior and I would never pick your fruit. However, I can't project my problems onto others. Mexicans have nothing to do with my shortcomings as a human being and they should suffer no punishment for it. You know.. unless I can blame a group of Mexicans for some crime I commit.

But, this is America. You can be mad at whoever you want to be mad at. Be mad at Mexicans. Be mad that you can't get that day laborer job. Be mad that you have to live next door to a house that has 30 Mexicans living in it. Be mad if you have to send your daughter to school with one of those hormone driven Mexican youths that only want to fuck her until her vagina explodes out half-breed demons that suck up all your taxes. Or, should you just be mad at yourself?

What kind of shit did you do in your life that is forcing you to stand in front of a Home Depot all day to get work? Becoming a meth addict/dealer at 15 probably didn't help. Going to prison instead of college is never a good career move. You grew up in the land of opportunity. If you were a 6 year old American kid that dreamed of digging fence posts all day in 110 degree Texas summer heat, you were probably retarded. If you're retarded, you have bigger issues to deal with than immigration. But again, this is America. So, it could be that it is Mexico's fault that you're unhappy with the choices you've made in your life. Your daughter getting knocked up by a Mexican teenager? Your daughter is a slut and you know it.

Your issue might be taxes. Are you tired of paying for all these god damn criminals and their families? You know those people reproduce like a bunch of lazy rabbits with mustaches. I can understand that but. I don't think these people are criminals. As a criminal, I can tell you that I have absolutely no interest in feeding my family by building your family's home. I'd rather feed my addictions by robbing your family's home. This great country of ours, despite it's numerous flaws it's still my favorite shithole, was built on the backs of immigrants. If you live in Texas, like me, you probably work in a building built by Mexicans. You probably live in a house built by Mexicans. Would you give that all up just to avoid paying taxes for these "criminals" and their children.

You could be angry that the Mexicans, along with the other darkies, are going to force white people to become a minority inside 50 years. Boo hoo. The death of white America's culture isn't a bad thing. It's not like there is a culture to kill. Are the Mexican people really endangering your rights as an American? Do you think that not being able to understand anybody at the drive through window is a crime punishable by death? I think it's a good thing. America is fat. If you get so angry that you don't want to even try to order fast food, that's healthy living. People that are working fast food windows that I run into are Mexicans, teenagers, ex-cons, and retarded people. I have a hard time understanding any of them. Working at McDonald's doesn't require a degree from Yale. You're selling French fries and big macs, not explaining 18th century German philosphy to a bunch of trust funders. It's not like it requires a firm grasp of any language. Monkeys are just a diaper away from being able to do that job. And honestly, I'd rather have Mexicans touch my food than a bunch of god damn apes. Do you think working in a McDonald's in Mexico City would be that hard if you didn't speak Spanish? Slanging big macs is the same no matter where you go. Hell, in France a big mac is still called a big mac.

I'm also tired of these people that keep saying that the protestors don't know what they're talking about or what they're protesting. I'm sure that some of them may just be trying to walk out of school, but this truly could effect some people. These are the children of the "criminals". By all rights, they are as American as you and your other elitist friends. They were probably born here. They were raised here. They are receiving the same education as your own children. They watch the Simpsons, in English, and love the Dallas Cowboys. Their fathers, mothers, cousins, etc. are now being threatened. They feel like they helped make this country great. If I were Mexican, instead of some dirty Island monkey, I would feel under appreciated. Protesting may not be the solution but it's bringing this issue to the front. You're complaining about it like it truly effects you. If the government was threatening to send your family back to Europe, a place you are unfamiliar with, wouldn't you be pissed off? Wouldn't you want to do something. While I don't entirely agree that protesting is the right method to use this day and age, I must applaud the protestors for staying peaceful so far. We live in a new age of violent protest. France is a cluster fuck with a new issue every week. Danish embassies were burned in a number of protests all over the world because of some unfunny cartoon from Denmark that only Danes that are really into unfunny bullshit saw.

NOTE: Mexicans, don't make me look bad by rioting. Rioting in Southern California is so 14 years ago.

The thing that I don't understand is how could the right just drop all those people? It really is the closest thing we have to slavery. Those people seem to be big on not paying people much for doing a ton of work. I guess this really is a non-issue that will never see the light of day but will get all those redistricted Texas districts excited to vote for whoever hates the Mexicans the most. With all the scandal going on, it's time for far far right to go back to what they do best, ruining the lives of brown people that can't even vote. A lot of douche bags are up for reelection and they need a platform. The white trash Jesus Freak anti-Mexican vote is hot right now. Just ask John McCain. He seems ready to embrace all those weirdos finally.

Now, a little role play. you can get your buddies in your office to act it out.

Congressman: So what's up little buddy?

The Good People of America: Oh, it's not too good.

Congressman: What's going on? Don't you like it here like me anymore?

The Good People of America: Don't get me wrong, half of me thinks that everything is just fine. Half of me questions everything that you're doing and only wants to see you fail. Half of me is apathetic. And the last half can't do math because the "no child left behind" act helped me graduate high school but left my brain back in 2nd grade. I think I may want to start seeing other people.

Congressman: What? But I love your money and votes.. I mean, I love you! Can't we work this out?

The Good People of America: No, it's time. I'm just not the same person I was back in 2002. It's not you, it's me. And when I say 'me', I mean how YOU make ME angry.

Congressman: We can still work it out. Well, umm... does any of your 4 halves still hate Mexicans?

The Good People of America: You know damn well that I hate Mexicans.

Congressman: OK, I'll get rid of them for you just to remind you that I love you.

The Good People of America: For real this time? Or is this just another empty promise to get us to vote for you again? I felt dirty and cheap last time.

Congressman: For real, we're even going to build a wall like they had in Berlin.

The Good People of America: YAY! VIVA FREEDOM!

And that's what I think is going on.

What do I think we should do as far as immigration? Maintain status quo. Don't open the borders up completely and don't bother building a wall. Don't deport for the sake of deporting. We can benefit from the misfortune of Mexico. They don't seem to have their shit together and people are forced to leave. We get cheap labor in return. It's a good system in my book and my book is awesome. When we have no roads to build, no space for lawns to cut, and the great farms that once grew our crops no longer exist, all we have to do is invade Canada. By then, global warming will melt their tundra and we could grow things on there other than maple trees. Plus, I planned on moving to Vancouver anyway. We could also send illegal aliens to Iraq and send our boys home. Of course, halliburton wouldn't allow this because they'd be underbid for contracts all the time. 20 bucks and a case of beer can get a ton of shit rebuilt in Iraq. It's a good thing Iraq doesn't have any home depots to stand in front of.

Paco reminded me that if there is a wall built, which is ridiculous, it would get built by Mexicans. While our side will look like some impressive wall, their side is going to be stairs. It'll stop nothing.

And don't forget, Texas. George Bush isn't like us. I don't care if you love his politics and think he's the greatest thing since that other white devil Ronald Reagan, but he's not like you. He's a spoiled ivy league educated rich kid from Connecticut. I had to look up how to spell Connecticut. That's how unlike us he actually is. Trust me, it's a good thing that he isn't like us. I wouldn't want somebody like me running shit and I sure as hell haven't met any douche bags around here that I think can run shit. You people in your trailers and 15 year old nascar apparel choking down keystones during your 2 hour power block of pro-wrestling would not make good leaders in my opinion. You can't even lead yourself out of your own stereotypes. How awful. Stop falling for parlor tricks, exaggerated accents, non-issue issues. That's not just for you rightys, you lefties need to stop following blind too. You libertarians seem to have your shit locked down but I've not found any of your candidates that have the right amount of "sexy" for me. I will not vote for a person just because of their party. It's not like any of them will ever invite me to their party unless they need drugs. Plus, voting is for gays, and I'm as straight as they come. Hell yeah, vaginas.

I Have Tourettes: A Review.

I just watched the HBO documentary "I Have Tourette's but Tourette's Doesn't Have Me" on On Demand. The synopsis said that it was about kids living with Tourettes. It turns out that it's not as hilarious as expected.

It starts out funny enough. The kids talk about their normal lives. They discuss how they're normal. It's quite touching. The only problem is that they're not normal. They have Tourettes. I occasionally shake my leg when I sit down and I'm labeled a weirdo. You Tourettes kids don't get a pass.

It was around that time that I started to relate to the struggle that these kids go through. They can't go 5 seconds without waving their arms in their air while screaming "eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and that reminded me of how I can't go to sleep unless I have a pillow covering my head. Then when the kids were talking about how their fellow classmates pick on them for being different, I was reminded of how I picked on my fellow classmates for being different. My heart grew warm listening to these tales of struggle. However, things soon turned south.

They started showing clips that displated the brilliance of all these children. They were all articulate. Some played multiple instruments. One fairy looking kid could play the piano better than Mozart on meth. One was fluent in multiple languages. One drew comics and sold them on some boardwalk while hanging out with some rastafarians. I'd probably do that only instead of drawing comics I'd be mumbling about modern socialism under my breath and instead of Rastafarians, I'd be recruiting Elementary school kids into my Che Guevara fan club. The tourettes kid that really bothered me was the odd Jewish one with the unibrow. His religion didn't bother me too much and I thought his unibrow gave his face character but I took offense to his visit to Surfing Camp. That's when I realized that these were all rich kids. Only rich parents send their kids to surf camp. Only rich parents pay for music lessons. Only rich parents take an effort in educating their children. That's when I came to two possible conclussions.

People with Tourettes are actually just the offspring of inbred blue bloods.
That's good because I think rich people should suffer. I don't really care if Johnny Rockafella Jr. has a tough life because he randomly kicks in the air. Big deal. I could kick the air if I wanted to and you don't see me complaining about it. Johnny Rockafella Jr. is a total braggart. Fuck that guy.


The other possibility is that the HBO didn't want to talk about all the little scum bag kids with Tourettes.
I understand this thinking. The idea of little trailer trash children with violent nervous ticks would scare the holy crap of Christ out of people. But, these kids are kids too. They suffer in a lot of the same ways that the fancy rich tourettes kids suffer. It's not Kelly Duwayne's fault that he randomly stabs at invisible demons. He didn't choose to come out of a vagina that belonged to a chain smoking former Gwar groupie that cuts hair in her driveway for pot money. Kelly Duwayne's artistic talent would probably be creating ice in his bathtub. Cooking meth is the only thing that stops his ticks. Kelly Duwayne's story deserves to be told too. Mostly because it would be funnier.

Retard Face

Sometimes I go through myspace profiles looking for "retard face". This is when a mentally capable person has a face that looks like it belongs to a mentally handicapped person.

Origins of Retard Face

Retard face is a recessive gene that both parents must carry in order to be passed on to the offspring. I'm not quite sure what that means but Retard face is tragically unavoidable. This makes it similar to the dreaded "man face" that some "women" suffer from.

The only thing we can do is educate each other about this disorder.

FICTION: Retard Face is contagious.
Retard face is not contagious. It's genetic. If you really care about what your children will look like, research your partner's complete family history. It's best to have a pure line of retard free family faces.

FICTION: Only gays have retard face.
Unlike being homosexual, having retard face is not a choice. It has no prejudices. It infects people regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, or nationality.

FICTION: Only retards have retard face.
Retard face does not mirror your intelligence. It's true that retards have retard face ,but you can find many people that suffer from this awful disorder that is of normal or even higher intelligence. Albert Einstein looked like a total tard.


FACT: You can live a normal life while suffering from retard face.
Millions of Americans live happily with retard face.


I didn't mean for all this to turn into a retard awareness pamphlet. I just wanted to say that you people disgust me and I wish you'd get off my internet.

Still not Gay.

I've always received odd e-mails and messages from Pugs and Kelly listeners, Team Wilco readers, and other untrustworthy types. These two myspace messages are by far the creepiest of all...

On Januray 18, I recieved this message on myspace....

From: cum inside my house and
Date: Jan 18, 2006 7:45 AM

1. Yes I Know Your Straight But I'd Rather Suck A Straight Guy Off Rather Then A Gay Guy Believe Me You Might Think It's Odd But It's Possible To Suck A Straight Guy Off&the Straight Guy Remains Straight Given The Straight Guy Isn't Giving The Blow Job Back. This Blow Job Offer Is Good On Wednesday January 18th From 10 Am Until 5:30pm After 5:30pm Disregard This Blow Job Offer. Please Keep In Mind The Reason For The Time Frame Is Because It's The Only Time My Parents Are Gone&Out Of The House. "NO I HAVE NO ONLINE PICTURE PERIOD THEREFORE PLEASE DON'T ASK ME IF I HAVE ONE"

2. I'm Looking To "give" You A Blow Job&swallow Your Load Of Cum Down My Throat However The Odd Part Is I Don't "receive" Blow Jobs Back I'll Jerk Off While I'm Sucking You Off But I'll Jerk Off Myself You Don't Have To Worry About Having To Touch Me&I'll Also Agree To Maintain My Mouth On Your Dick&your Cum Going Down My Throat Beyond That I Won't Touch You Anywhere Else On Your Body. I'm A 24 Yr Old Male "NO THIS ADVERTISEMENT IS NO JOKE"

3. **** BLANK St Fort Worth Texas ***** Is My Physical Street Address

4. When You Get To My House Which Is The Third House On The Left Off Of BLANK St My House Number Is "****" You Can Spot My House Number Very Easily By My Front Door Plastered Into My Red Brick Wall Reading In Big Bold Numbers "****" Also My Front Door Is White Colored So Is My Garage. Also When You Get Here Please Get Out Of Your Car&Come Up To The Front Door&Ring The Doorbell.

On Feb. 1st, I recieved this around noon.

Sorry To Bother You But I Need A Hot Load Of Your Cum Shot Down My Throat On Wednesday February 1st, 2006 From 10:00 Am Until 6:00pm Time Frame After 6:00pm Disregard This Offer Given My Parents Are Only At Work During That Time Frame Time Frame=no Choice Giving I Only Swallow Cum When My Parents Aren't Home My Street Address To Map Out Is **** ******* Street Fort Worth Texas 7***** I Live In A House With My Parents Map Out My Street Address Here Http://maps.yahoo.com/dd Or Any Other Mapping Site Which Can Give Driving Directions.

I'm A 23 Yr Old Male. Once Your Inside My Place&the Front Door Is Closed I'll Then Get On My Knees&start Sucking Your Dick Off I'd Rather Skip The Chatter&get Down To Business Sucking Your Cock Off Immediately I'll Suck Your Dick off Until All Of Your Cum Is Swallowed Down My Throat. However I Will Jerk Off Myself Is What I Get Out Of This& What You Get Out Of This Is I Swallowing Your Gallons Of Cum For A Snack. When I Cum It'll Be Shot Onto My Chest Nowhere Near You. Let's Keep In Mind I'm The Guy Who "gives Head"=making I Gay. But You Remain "straight" Given I Don't "receive Head Back" "no I Don't Have A Online Picture Nor Do I Give Out My Phone Number&no I Can't Call You Given I Live With My Parents"

Listed Below Are Other Days This Week You Can Stop By So You Can Dump A Hot Load Of Your Hot Stud Cum Down My Throat You Can Stop By Randomly Only During These Days&time Frames:

Thursday February 2nd From 9 Am Until 3:30pm
Friday February 3rd From 9am Until 12:30pm

The address he puts is a real place and is roughly 4 miles away from my home.

I almost feel bad for declining the offer. It's just so close to my home and people know that I love good oral. I just tend to like the mouth attached to a body that has a vagina. Call me old-fashioned, but a dingus isn't very inviting to me. I know that he keeps reminding me that letting a guy suck me off wouldn't make me a homosexual, but it's certainly not going to make me anymore straight. If people think that I'm the kind of dude that can be lured places with promises of faggy blowjobs, I need to reprove my straightness.

That's why I plan on killing wild animals with my bare hands. I don't know what this will prove but I can't imagine Liberace stalking a house cat for 3 hours before wrestling it to the ground and snapping it's neck.

So for the record, I'm not gay. I don't want some guy to blow me. I certainly don't want to drive to get it. I prefer having women come to me with a plate of tacos and an eager mouth. That's why I spend so many nights alone.

What if this isn't a real invitation at all? Part of me believes that it might be an attempt to assassinate me. I've said and done many offensive things in the past and this might be my "just desserts".

All I know is this, whether it's for my murder or the greatest blow job I'll ever receive, I'm probably not going to show up.

We rock so hard, we suck

Yea, it's me, Paco. Yea, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Not that anybody cares. Anybody reading this is reading this because Will told them to. All my friends can't read and hate me. Anywhoozle, since this is still half of my website, I still do what I can to promote it. So, I thinks to myself, what's a better way to promote it then by creating a band, and then making a Myspace page? Well, there's probably a billion better ways to promote it. However, I was bored and I always wanted to be in a band ever since I was in the 6th grade. I couldn't cut it in the school band because I had no rhythm. I tried out to play the drums in the 5th grade and they told me to tap my foot and slap my knee or something like that. Anyways, I fucked the whole deal up, and they said if I still wanted to be in the band, then I could play the clarinet. Fuck that shit. I was allready the fat kid, I'm not about to be the fat kid playing the fucking clarinet. That's just asking to get that clarinet stuffed up my pasty white fat ass.

Anyways, in the 6th grade, I started growing my hair long and tried to play guitar. Learning to play the guitar is alot of work. Not hard work, mind you, because millions of douchebags can play the guitar. But it was still work, and I'm allergic to work. Needless to say, I never learned to play the guitar. This is something I've always been ashamed of. Dropping out of high school, dropping out of college, quitting various jobs by telling my boss to "go fuck yourself", my inability to get laid, being unemployed for the past year and still living with my dad - that I'm not ashamed of. But my inability to play the guitar has plagued me all my life.

I'd like to think if I was in a band, I'd be able to get laid once in a while, by chicks that are neither fat nor prostitutes. However, that's what I thought when I became an intern for Pugs and Kelly 4 years ago, and that got me dick (dick as in nothing, not as in a penis, allthough at least that would of been something). To this day, it's gotten me dick. Hell, all Will the Blogger did was write their stupid blog for them, and took pictures of drunken douchebags playing dodgeball, and he's probably pulled all kinds of tail, even with a stupid name like "Will the Blogger". If you don't believe me, look at his MySpace profile. All these hot 20 something chicks are always signing up to be his friend and leaving comments like, "Oooo... you're so funny on the show... I want to blow you..." Then look at the rejected friends requests I get: it's either some weird hermit who hasn't left his room in 3 years and wants to play World of Warcraft with me, or some chick who looks like a mynock. What's a mynock, you ask? Well, go rent "Empire Strikes Back" and fast forward to the part where the Millenium Falcon escapes the Imperial fleet by landing inside an asteroid. Ok, see those things chewing on the powercables? That's a mynock, and it wants to be my friend.

But enough about my lack of a sex life, back to the point... whatever the point was. Team Wilco needed to form a band, if for no other reason then to supplement our huge egos. So, after much contemplation, I finally settled on a name: Three Dicks in One Chick.

Click the world's greatest logo to see the world's greatest band.

As I created the page, however, I think I got a little carried away. What started as a way to promote this website has become quite possibly the most offensive band ever. Being that Tom from MySpace is a total douche, I'm pretty sure our band's page will get deleted soon, along with both our regular MySpace profiles. If not because Tom is a douche, then because I sent Kevin Federline a friend request. I really hope he doesn't look at the page. If he does, hopefully he realizes that I use "Ape Tits" as a term of endearment for his wife, not an insult.