Boy's Have a Penis, Girls Havea Vagina
A friend from Florida sent me a list about how to treat a woman. I'm not sure if she wrote it or if it's just spam but, I took the time to read it. I found the demands to be unrealistic. I replied on behalf of all men. No thanks are necessary guys...
Note: in italics is the female demand, the guy response is in regular text.
Another Note: Fuck Tracy McGrady
1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot.
Then don't trick us with "hey, do you think she's pretty?" Sure, I've learned that the correct response is "no baby, she's a dog compared to you, " But you people know better. That's why I don't lie.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Same to you. I'm watching the game god damn it. Go in the kitchen and make me a manwich. It's more than a sandwich.. it's a meal. I don't need some chick blabbering in my ear about periods or marriage or whatever the fuck they talk about while I'm watching Dirk light it from beyond the arch.
3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
the lingerie is for me to wear. What I do when the bathroom is locked is my business.
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Agreed but you better give me anal for my birthday.
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning.
What about when I have to go to work the next day and I can't sleep in that position? I have to put money on the table and food in my wallet.
6. Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D.
but I hurt my neck and my jaw... come on hook a brother up.
7. This is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care.
then you'd be right.
8. Which also means that if we don't call, take the hint.
akuna matata then... it means no worries
9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary.
if you flirt, cheat, look at, talk to, speak of, or watch any TV show with a man on it... I'll crush you and feed your soul to the goat lord.
10. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on.
why does everything have to be about you? what about what turns me on? Now put on a nun's outfit and sit on this crucifix while I call you "David".
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face).
Didn't you just say "just because you go down doesn't mean that we have to?". Well then... what up with that miss thang?
12. Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.
how long? Some of us have to work in the morning... there should be a contract. Maybe an official to time us.
13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not.
If you're late then we're going to the clinic. I thought you were on the pill.
14. Eye contact is key.
fine, but sometimes nipples look like eyes.
15. Don't take longer to get ready than we do.
then don't take up the bathroom for 3 hours. I have to put on my face too.
16. Laugh at our jokes.
be more funny
17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty.
Then do you really want me to tell you that your ass looks fat in those pants? Or that I hate your mother? Or that I only told you I loved you so that I can sleep with you? Or that I didn't really get herpes off of a toilet seat?
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers.
groupies are annoying. Just be a respect giving fan. I have no use for a girl that would consider blowing a roadie for a chance to meet Larry David. He's bald.
19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
you should, I've faked it a few times. I don't understand other dude's need to know if it's real. If I don't satisfy her then that's fine with me. At least one of us got off. My father always told me that any job worth doing is a job worth doing half-assed.
20. Do not start with us. You will not win.
I'm quite good myself. You're rather boastful about your argumentative skills. I'm not too shabby when it comes to argumentative wit. And besides, I refuse to lose. I'm sure you can understand that. I'll admit when your argument has swayed me and I think you should acquiesce at times too. And sometimes I'll just pretend to give in cause I want you to shut up.
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so.
I hate my sister and often thought about ending her life. And besides, MOST guys also refuse to fuck, marry, or date their sister. Most... I know you live in Florida though.
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way.
liar liar liar...
me:"hey baby, would it be all right if I...."
Queen Bitch: "NO! SHUT UP AND BRUSH MY HAIR YOU FUCKING PEON!"
me: "I love you..."
Queen Bitch: "I DON"T CARE... I"M FUCKING YOUR COUSIN!"
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes! Ever.
that's fine... don't get mad when I can't afford to take you out so that you can show off your fancy clothes and shoes. I have good credit and would like to keep it that way. I'd also like to retire one day. The idea of being a Walmart greeter when I'm 80 scares me.
24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. But, don't ask us about it or throw it in our faces. You will go down.
Hell, I'll go down if you ask nicely. I have yet to earn my red wings but I've considered. Just lay a towel down.
25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car.
I'm ok with that. Just give us the chance.
26. We love surprises!
I have AIDS!!! Surprise! I have a coke problem! Surprise!!!! I think I might be gay!!1 Surprise!!! how does that work?
27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
every girl is different. Kissing is always different for each separate couple. As long as you don't try to eat my head or hit my teeth with yours then I'll do whatever you want.
28.Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.
then notice when I DON'T look at other girls or when I mute MSNBC or Sports Center while we make love.
29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!
If you start picking out our underwear then we should be allowed to pick out yours. You must wear power rangers underwear.
30. Clean your room before we come over.
you aren't my mother. I cum in your vagina I didn't come out of it.
31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity.
agreed. Brush your teeth before you expect morning sex. There is nothing worse than trying to maintain an erection while I have your dog shit breath in my face.
32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. That or we didn't want to go down in the first place. Pricks.
That's fine... I'll just pretend it's because my penis is HUGE.
33. If we don't answer the phone 3 times in a row, or don't call you back after 24 hours...stop calling, were not interested!
like wise... also, don't show up to my office and demand to know why I haven't called you back... or show up 9 months later with some kid that you claim is mine. I'll just poke it in the head with a wire hanger until you go away.
34. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours.
as long as I went first then we're cool
35. Don't act hard around your friends because I won't make you hard tonight.
Why are you dating phony ass douchebags? Sounds like you are an awful judge of character.
36. Sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!"
Trust me, I learned that at my last court case.
37. "Wife Beaters" are not an adequate form of fashion.
Agreed, they're suited for trailer park picnics. I grew up in a house with foundation.
38. If we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your girlfriend.
That's fine. If I wanted a porn star I'd fuck a porn star.
39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right.
What about during sex? Am I suppose to comfort you because you suddenly had Daddy issues while I'm finger cuffing you with a black dildo?
40. Don't let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough.
Don't let ex-boyfriends stick around then. Don't tell me that you're just friends. Is keeping ties with some douchebag that you left really worth risking what we have? Keep it simple.
41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.
as long as you understand that, cool.
42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
not always the case and you know it.
43. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.
hahahaha fat... hahahahahahaha.... fat! At least fat chicks have a way to get over the misery.
44. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! And, for Christ's sake, don't ask us what you did. It only pisses us off and hurts our feelings even more.
thank god I'm not a woman. Cause I have no problem explaining why I"m being quiet, shrugging my shoulders, yelling, cursing, and bludgeoning her kittens.
45. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware.
then don't make us dance
46. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.
this is the age of cell phones, everyone carries one. IT shouldn't take THAT long to pick it up. a simple flip or a button push.
47. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.
Then don't get pissed about the shitty ring I got you. I may not have a lot of money but it's the best I could do right now. I worked for months for that. I didn't even want to get pre-engaged. I think it's a stupid pretentious act. No, Fuck you.. you whore. You fucked Eddy and I know it. OH, you didn't know I knew? Yeah, that's right. Shut up.. just shut up... I love you. WHAT? I don't care if I have a small penis. I've never complained. Yeah, that's right walk out that door. Leave your keys on the table. I'll leave your stuff with your sister. No fuck you, you fucking twat. I hope you get vagina cancer and rot from the inside. What? how dare you throw that in my face. I'm not an addict. I just use from time to time. No no no no no no shut shut shut shut shut up up up up up up up up die die die die die die... I didn't threaten you. DOn't you fucking call the cops. I hate the cops. You know what? That's fine. My father owns half the city anyway. Go ahead. OH hell no, I would never ask my father for money so that I can buy my stupid whore of a girlfriend a meaningless trinket. Don't you dare.. don't you dare. That's my life work. THat's my life work! Oh you burned it you whore. I"ll kill you and your whole family.... and that was my last relationship.... what was the question again?
48. DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!!!! (and, in my case- don't say it at all. It creeps me out.)
DONE! Don't ask me to say it then.
49. Don't lie to us . . . WE WILL CATCH YOU.
Sure you will.
50. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you. every...little...detail...
up the ante then. Might as well lie. You should give your friends some reason for your desire to maintain a relationship with a jerk off like me. You just look foolish if you stay with a guy that treats you bad, has a small penis, and doesn't work.
Be warned.
Warning accepted
and in closing, Dude seriously... fuck Tracy McGrady.
Note: in italics is the female demand, the guy response is in regular text.
Another Note: Fuck Tracy McGrady
1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot.
Then don't trick us with "hey, do you think she's pretty?" Sure, I've learned that the correct response is "no baby, she's a dog compared to you, " But you people know better. That's why I don't lie.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Same to you. I'm watching the game god damn it. Go in the kitchen and make me a manwich. It's more than a sandwich.. it's a meal. I don't need some chick blabbering in my ear about periods or marriage or whatever the fuck they talk about while I'm watching Dirk light it from beyond the arch.
3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
the lingerie is for me to wear. What I do when the bathroom is locked is my business.
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Agreed but you better give me anal for my birthday.
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning.
What about when I have to go to work the next day and I can't sleep in that position? I have to put money on the table and food in my wallet.
6. Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D.
but I hurt my neck and my jaw... come on hook a brother up.
7. This is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care.
then you'd be right.
8. Which also means that if we don't call, take the hint.
akuna matata then... it means no worries
9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary.
if you flirt, cheat, look at, talk to, speak of, or watch any TV show with a man on it... I'll crush you and feed your soul to the goat lord.
10. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on.
why does everything have to be about you? what about what turns me on? Now put on a nun's outfit and sit on this crucifix while I call you "David".
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face).
Didn't you just say "just because you go down doesn't mean that we have to?". Well then... what up with that miss thang?
12. Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.
how long? Some of us have to work in the morning... there should be a contract. Maybe an official to time us.
13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not.
If you're late then we're going to the clinic. I thought you were on the pill.
14. Eye contact is key.
fine, but sometimes nipples look like eyes.
15. Don't take longer to get ready than we do.
then don't take up the bathroom for 3 hours. I have to put on my face too.
16. Laugh at our jokes.
be more funny
17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty.
Then do you really want me to tell you that your ass looks fat in those pants? Or that I hate your mother? Or that I only told you I loved you so that I can sleep with you? Or that I didn't really get herpes off of a toilet seat?
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers.
groupies are annoying. Just be a respect giving fan. I have no use for a girl that would consider blowing a roadie for a chance to meet Larry David. He's bald.
19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
you should, I've faked it a few times. I don't understand other dude's need to know if it's real. If I don't satisfy her then that's fine with me. At least one of us got off. My father always told me that any job worth doing is a job worth doing half-assed.
20. Do not start with us. You will not win.
I'm quite good myself. You're rather boastful about your argumentative skills. I'm not too shabby when it comes to argumentative wit. And besides, I refuse to lose. I'm sure you can understand that. I'll admit when your argument has swayed me and I think you should acquiesce at times too. And sometimes I'll just pretend to give in cause I want you to shut up.
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so.
I hate my sister and often thought about ending her life. And besides, MOST guys also refuse to fuck, marry, or date their sister. Most... I know you live in Florida though.
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way.
liar liar liar...
me:"hey baby, would it be all right if I...."
Queen Bitch: "NO! SHUT UP AND BRUSH MY HAIR YOU FUCKING PEON!"
me: "I love you..."
Queen Bitch: "I DON"T CARE... I"M FUCKING YOUR COUSIN!"
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes! Ever.
that's fine... don't get mad when I can't afford to take you out so that you can show off your fancy clothes and shoes. I have good credit and would like to keep it that way. I'd also like to retire one day. The idea of being a Walmart greeter when I'm 80 scares me.
24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. But, don't ask us about it or throw it in our faces. You will go down.
Hell, I'll go down if you ask nicely. I have yet to earn my red wings but I've considered. Just lay a towel down.
25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car.
I'm ok with that. Just give us the chance.
26. We love surprises!
I have AIDS!!! Surprise! I have a coke problem! Surprise!!!! I think I might be gay!!1 Surprise!!! how does that work?
27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
every girl is different. Kissing is always different for each separate couple. As long as you don't try to eat my head or hit my teeth with yours then I'll do whatever you want.
28.Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.
then notice when I DON'T look at other girls or when I mute MSNBC or Sports Center while we make love.
29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!
If you start picking out our underwear then we should be allowed to pick out yours. You must wear power rangers underwear.
30. Clean your room before we come over.
you aren't my mother. I cum in your vagina I didn't come out of it.
31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity.
agreed. Brush your teeth before you expect morning sex. There is nothing worse than trying to maintain an erection while I have your dog shit breath in my face.
32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. That or we didn't want to go down in the first place. Pricks.
That's fine... I'll just pretend it's because my penis is HUGE.
33. If we don't answer the phone 3 times in a row, or don't call you back after 24 hours...stop calling, were not interested!
like wise... also, don't show up to my office and demand to know why I haven't called you back... or show up 9 months later with some kid that you claim is mine. I'll just poke it in the head with a wire hanger until you go away.
34. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours.
as long as I went first then we're cool
35. Don't act hard around your friends because I won't make you hard tonight.
Why are you dating phony ass douchebags? Sounds like you are an awful judge of character.
36. Sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!"
Trust me, I learned that at my last court case.
37. "Wife Beaters" are not an adequate form of fashion.
Agreed, they're suited for trailer park picnics. I grew up in a house with foundation.
38. If we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your girlfriend.
That's fine. If I wanted a porn star I'd fuck a porn star.
39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right.
What about during sex? Am I suppose to comfort you because you suddenly had Daddy issues while I'm finger cuffing you with a black dildo?
40. Don't let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough.
Don't let ex-boyfriends stick around then. Don't tell me that you're just friends. Is keeping ties with some douchebag that you left really worth risking what we have? Keep it simple.
41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.
as long as you understand that, cool.
42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
not always the case and you know it.
43. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.
hahahaha fat... hahahahahahaha.... fat! At least fat chicks have a way to get over the misery.
44. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! And, for Christ's sake, don't ask us what you did. It only pisses us off and hurts our feelings even more.
thank god I'm not a woman. Cause I have no problem explaining why I"m being quiet, shrugging my shoulders, yelling, cursing, and bludgeoning her kittens.
45. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware.
then don't make us dance
46. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.
this is the age of cell phones, everyone carries one. IT shouldn't take THAT long to pick it up. a simple flip or a button push.
47. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.
Then don't get pissed about the shitty ring I got you. I may not have a lot of money but it's the best I could do right now. I worked for months for that. I didn't even want to get pre-engaged. I think it's a stupid pretentious act. No, Fuck you.. you whore. You fucked Eddy and I know it. OH, you didn't know I knew? Yeah, that's right. Shut up.. just shut up... I love you. WHAT? I don't care if I have a small penis. I've never complained. Yeah, that's right walk out that door. Leave your keys on the table. I'll leave your stuff with your sister. No fuck you, you fucking twat. I hope you get vagina cancer and rot from the inside. What? how dare you throw that in my face. I'm not an addict. I just use from time to time. No no no no no no shut shut shut shut shut up up up up up up up up die die die die die die... I didn't threaten you. DOn't you fucking call the cops. I hate the cops. You know what? That's fine. My father owns half the city anyway. Go ahead. OH hell no, I would never ask my father for money so that I can buy my stupid whore of a girlfriend a meaningless trinket. Don't you dare.. don't you dare. That's my life work. THat's my life work! Oh you burned it you whore. I"ll kill you and your whole family.... and that was my last relationship.... what was the question again?
48. DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!!!! (and, in my case- don't say it at all. It creeps me out.)
DONE! Don't ask me to say it then.
49. Don't lie to us . . . WE WILL CATCH YOU.
Sure you will.
50. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you. every...little...detail...
up the ante then. Might as well lie. You should give your friends some reason for your desire to maintain a relationship with a jerk off like me. You just look foolish if you stay with a guy that treats you bad, has a small penis, and doesn't work.
Be warned.
Warning accepted
and in closing, Dude seriously... fuck Tracy McGrady.
posted by Will at 12:13 AM
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