Team Wilco: Opinions

This is why I remain "Unemployed"

2006-09-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

I signed up for Monster not too long ago. I get a lot of job offers for being a technical writer even though I don't technically write. Lately, it's been a lot of Navy type stuff. This weekend, it was this...

Ministry of Defense Technical Writer Mentor

Overview:

DynCorp International is privileged to have been requested to assist the Department of State (DOS) and the Government of Liberia to implement a comprehensive set of measures designed to restore the Armed Forces of Liberia and the Liberian Ministry of Defense.

There is more, but I can't show you more. I'd be forced to kill you. I can assure you that this is the good hustle. This would truly be spreading good will. Learn the history of Liberia and the history of Dyntech... you two shall see the good in the hood.

Is it in my best interested to go to Liberia?
That was the question I asked myself. I needed help coming up with an answer.

I had a meeting with some rastafarians and then another meeting with a a bunch gentile yentas with chemical depencency.

They all agree, Liberia is not the place to be.

Don't get me wrong. A lot of good things are happening there.The removal of a Tyrant in power to a freedom fighter in the truest sense of the word and the modernization of poor rural areas, are both good things. There are also crazy people that give 9 year olds AK-47s and slang heroin coming in from Southeast Asian shady places and cocaine from central American shady places to help fund genocide. This is odd because they're all black dudes. Most of them are descendants of free slaves that actually went back to Africa. That's cool, but then they got all "ooooo we have to fit in again but we want to be different... oooooo". That's normally when problems happen. When people fill the need to blend in, get slightly-rejected, and devielop quirky behavior. The worst ones that are the ones are so lost in falsehood that they forget what their country is about. Liberia... Liberty. You can't kill people for their freedom.. you can kill evil people for freedom. You can also kill them over money. Sometimes, you can kill them for both. That's why we have black-ops. That's cool. That JFK movie was cool. I however would not get to be black ops, I would just be a Ministry of Defense Technical Writer Mentor. I think I'd just be telling people that can use "fancy words" with their "fancy correct usage" how to think. I basically do that here. The dyntech job is an impressive offer. $80 grand a year, free housing, free transportation, and optional dismemberment insurance. The first three are cool, the last one makes me question the work enviroment. I'm going there to spread good thoughts and prepare for the evil that will undoubtedly come. People often misunderstand truly good people and the true concept of Freedom. They don't know the power of the buddha palm, it's a hard push in the right direction. They didn't see that "Pay it Forward" movie either. They just want shiny things and power, and they're willing to chop my Flip-light ass to do it.

No thanks.

I heard that I might be able to get a claim for a million dollars if I were to get my head sawed the fuck off. That would help my family a lot. But that would really suck for me. That would suck for everyone. I have a Billion freakin' dollars in my head and everyone knows how charitable I am. It's a shame that I must be slightly mentally fiscally conservative, but some assholes just don't respect the thinking man that uses the Art of War to help formulate his thoughts, and the Art of Lazy to blend in with his enviroment. You know, lazy assholes of America of every color. We mutts keep it mutty like that. That's why I can't sell my brain out like that. I can't trust evil people. They'll probably just try to use it to get them McDonald's and bad American pop records. That's the Satan. That's the freakin' Satan.

I am no Satanist. I'm a man that has discovered a way to reach Nirvana and Heaven, and a way to punch you mother fuckers in the face so hard with it that thunder will roar and a bunch of other shit in Garth Brooks songs will happen. But I'm also hear to give a little push. I'm your Pusher Man like that, Curtis Mayfield taught me that. I can also you push you so hard that you fall over, I learned that picking on white people on the playground. I can also push you so had and so suddenly, that you'll die because of how hard and how suddenly I hit you, I learned that watching kung fu movies. But I do it all with my mind, and I do it for the right cause. Because you people are dumber than me, and you keep dragging people into your own bullshit.

I'm respectful of others and I won't drag my bullshit into their homes. That's why I won't go to Liberia. I'll probably just get some of that Liberian cannibis and prentend that I'm one Hassan's Assassins and pick a fight... with my imagination! Then I'll say it because I got a big mouth, and I'll end up with my imagination spilled all over a floor while modern day slave traders hold up my head and laugh.

I'd imagine it would be really hard for me to tip toe through Liberia. I can't even manage to make it around the body shop I worked in for most of my life without giving myself a concussion or a knee injury. I really like my body parts. Even the smaller ones.

So, Fuck that, and fuck them. I do support the good cause though.... WITH MY IMAGINATION!

Decision: FUCK NO.

My dad thinks I'm gay

2006-06-03T01:05:00.000-07:00

At least that's what my little brother claims. Or he might of be kidding. Sarcasm is in our family genes. Our senses of humor is the only thing that keeps us all from strangling each other. But if it's true, that's fucked up. I don't know how I'm giving off a "gay" vibe (not that there's anything wrong with that). But the stereotypical homosexual male both works out and is clean, where as I am a revolting slob of a person. I'm basically Jabba the Hutt, without the bitchin' palace in the desert. I don't know what I can do to prove to him I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I'm sorry I don't bring more females over to the house, but I try to not let them know I'm 23 years old, have no job, and still live with my dad. Perhaps he's mistaking not being able to get laid for being gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Whatever the case, I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I promise, I love vagina. Not enough to pay for it, but enough to listen to it talk about bullshit I don't care about for 5 hours. If he would like to donate some money to the "Get Paco Laid" foundation, he's more then welcome, but right now, I'm barely able to look out for Numero Uno. I've been trying to look for a job. If I believed in anything holy, I would swear to it that I have been looking. After my last stint at Fuddrucker's, I made an oath before God or whatever it is that created me that I would never work in fast food again. I almost had to break this oath because after 2 years of mailing off resumes and turning in applications, I had come up with nothing. My buddy Marcus was a bartender at a restaurant which will remain nameless, and they were hiring cooks. Usually, if your friend works at a place, you're in like flint, especially when it's a piece of shit cooking job for 8 bucks an hour. When Marcus told his manager that his friend Paco wanted a job, his manager's first response was, "Ok, does he speak English?" to which Marcus replied, "Yea, he's a white boy." His manager's response: "Oh, fuck him, I'm not hiring him." Not that I don't blame him. I probably wouldn't work as hard as any of the illegal immigrants in the kitchen. And it's not like it's racist, because the manager is a white guy who reports to white guys for a corporation owned by white guys. But fuck... I'm not even qualified to cook food for people anymore? What the fuck? I've been trying to get a job as a bartender for a while now, but let's face it: there's alot of dudes who want to be bartenders. And it's not like I'm qualified to be a bartender. I just know how to drink. I can mix a couple drinks or whatever, but realistically, I'd have to start as a barback. And it's tough just getting a job as a barback. I wish I was a chick. If I had (non-man) tits, I could get away with murder. Seriously. I wouldn't even work. I'd just charge guys to stick stuff in me. Easy money. Isn't it odd how only the most fucked up chicks are strippers and prostitutes? It seems like a good business plan to me. But I'm probably a little fucked up myself. But I'm definately not a hot chick, which kind makes it hard to prostitute myself. I'm serious, I will have sex with old women for money. That Mrs. Robinson shit is fine with me. I'm that hard up for money right now. I will take just about any job right now. I can't pass a drug test today, but if you give me long enough to get it out of my system I will. I'll even get a haircut. My hair isn't long as a sign of rebellion. I'm just too poor to get it cut. My dad charges $4 bucks now. And it's still a shitty haircut. Not as shitty as ProCuts, though. And it certainly doesn't cost $15. I fucking hate that place. No matter what I tell them to do, they always give me some sort of fucked up bowl cut. Seriously, do you expect a tip for that? While you're at it, shave around my bald spot a bit and give me the whole Friar Tuck haircut. Fucking assholes. Do they go to school for that? Can I ask to see their barber school grades before they cut my hair? Or do I need to stop letting women cut my hair? Do I need to go to one of those old fashion barbershops, where they give you a shave with a straight razor? I've always wondered what that's like. I've always hated shaving. Not shaving often only makes the situation worse. Nothing kills a disposable razor like not having shaven in a month. I don't care what you do, but you can't get half-an-inch long hairs out of the razor blade. Fuck that shit. I wish I could grow a better beard. Supposedly, the more you shave the thicker the hair grows back, but the entire purpose of growing a beard is so that I don't have to shave. It's a catch 22. Maybe I'll get the laser hair removal, but I'm not sure how I feel about the irresponsable use of laser technology. You can remove unwanted hairs, whiten your teeth, and correct your eyesight with lasers, yet we don't have laser guns? Obviously the proponents of these so-called "laser" technologies don't support the troops, because I have a feeling if the United States military issued the troops laser rifles, we would totally fuck up Iraq. Iran would be like, "Oh damn, these guys don't fuck around, we don't need nuclear technology anymore." Either that, or they'd secretly develop laser technology of their own with North Korea, financed by the Chinese. It all comes back to one thing: Harry Truman was a pussy. He should have let MacArthur nuke both the Chinese and Koreans in 1951 when we still had the chance. Back then, it was in vogue to nuke countries. You could get away with it. Now, everybody has the nukes. Mutual assured destruction really ruined it for us. For everybody, really.

Our Illegal Amigos

2006-04-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm tired of all these people that are "pro-giantwallbetween Mexico and the US that will keep the brown people out". It's almost painful to actually write that out.

They say things like... "Seriously, educate urself on the immigration reform."

I'm all for educating anyone on this issue. I don't think "what ifs" are facts. though. "What if we acted like the Mexicans do here... in Mexico" is not only a non-fact. It's so retarded that even I refuse to think about it.

I know a lot about immigration. I'm the son of immigrants. Most of my family in this country are immigrants. They didn't jump a border though. Some waited years for papers to be filed and other bureaucratic bullshit to take place. If the Philippines shared a border with the U.S., my entire family would be illegal aliens.

Would that make my family bad? Probably. I know that I'm prone to criminal behavior and I would never pick your fruit. However, I can't project my problems onto others. Mexicans have nothing to do with my shortcomings as a human being and they should suffer no punishment for it. You know.. unless I can blame a group of Mexicans for some crime I commit.

But, this is America. You can be mad at whoever you want to be mad at. Be mad at Mexicans. Be mad that you can't get that day laborer job. Be mad that you have to live next door to a house that has 30 Mexicans living in it. Be mad if you have to send your daughter to school with one of those hormone driven Mexican youths that only want to fuck her until her vagina explodes out half-breed demons that suck up all your taxes. Or, should you just be mad at yourself?

What kind of shit did you do in your life that is forcing you to stand in front of a Home Depot all day to get work? Becoming a meth addict/dealer at 15 probably didn't help. Going to prison instead of college is never a good career move. You grew up in the land of opportunity. If you were a 6 year old American kid that dreamed of digging fence posts all day in 110 degree Texas summer heat, you were probably retarded. If you're retarded, you have bigger issues to deal with than immigration. But again, this is America. So, it could be that it is Mexico's fault that you're unhappy with the choices you've made in your life. Your daughter getting knocked up by a Mexican teenager? Your daughter is a slut and you know it.

Your issue might be taxes. Are you tired of paying for all these god damn criminals and their families? You know those people reproduce like a bunch of lazy rabbits with mustaches. I can understand that but. I don't think these people are criminals. As a criminal, I can tell you that I have absolutely no interest in feeding my family by building your family's home. I'd rather feed my addictions by robbing your family's home. This great country of ours, despite it's numerous flaws it's still my favorite shithole, was built on the backs of immigrants. If you live in Texas, like me, you probably work in a building built by Mexicans. You probably live in a house built by Mexicans. Would you give that all up just to avoid paying taxes for these "criminals" and their children.

You could be angry that the Mexicans, along with the other darkies, are going to force white people to become a minority inside 50 years. Boo hoo. The death of white America's culture isn't a bad thing. It's not like there is a culture to kill. Are the Mexican people really endangering your rights as an American? Do you think that not being able to understand anybody at the drive through window is a crime punishable by death? I think it's a good thing. America is fat. If you get so angry that you don't want to even try to order fast food, that's healthy living. People that are working fast food windows that I run into are Mexicans, teenagers, ex-cons, and retarded people. I have a hard time understanding any of them. Working at McDonald's doesn't require a degree from Yale. You're selling French fries and big macs, not explaining 18th century German philosphy to a bunch of trust funders. It's not like it requires a firm grasp of any language. Monkeys are just a diaper away from being able to do that job. And honestly, I'd rather have Mexicans touch my food than a bunch of god damn apes. Do you think working in a McDonald's in Mexico City would be that hard if you didn't speak Spanish? Slanging big macs is the same no matter where you go. Hell, in France a big mac is still called a big mac.

I'm also tired of these people that keep saying that the protestors don't know what they're talking about or what they're protesting. I'm sure that some of them may just be trying to walk out of school, but this truly could effect some people. These are the children of the "criminals". By all rights, they are as American as you and your other elitist friends. They were probably born here. They were raised here. They are receiving the same education as your own children. They watch the Simpsons, in English, and love the Dallas Cowboys. Their fathers, mothers, cousins, etc. are now being threatened. They feel like they helped make this country great. If I were Mexican, instead of some dirty Island monkey, I would feel under appreciated. Protesting may not be the solution but it's bringing this issue to the front. You're complaining about it like it truly effects you. If the government was threatening to send your family back to Europe, a place you are unfamiliar with, wouldn't you be pissed off? Wouldn't you want to do something. While I don't entirely agree that protesting is the right method to use this day and age, I must applaud the protestors for staying peaceful so far. We live in a new age of violent protest. France is a cluster fuck with a new issue every week. Danish embassies were burned in a number of protests all over the world because of some unfunny cartoon from Denmark that only Danes that are really into unfunny bullshit saw.

NOTE: Mexicans, don't make me look bad by rioting. Rioting in Southern California is so 14 years ago.

The thing that I don't understand is how could the right just drop all those people? It really is the closest thing we have to slavery. Those people seem to be big on not paying people much for doing a ton of work. I guess this really is a non-issue that will never see the light of day but will get all those redistricted Texas districts excited to vote for whoever hates the Mexicans the most. With all the scandal going on, it's time for far far right to go back to what they do best, ruining the lives of brown people that can't even vote. A lot of douche bags are up for reelection and they need a platform. The white trash Jesus Freak anti-Mexican vote is hot right now. Just ask John McCain. He seems ready to embrace all those weirdos finally.

Now, a little role play. you can get your buddies in your office to act it out.

Congressman: So what's up little buddy?

The Good People of America: Oh, it's not too good.

Congressman: What's going on? Don't you like it here like me anymore?

The Good People of America: Don't get me wrong, half of me thinks that everything is just fine. Half of me questions everything that you're doing and only wants to see you fail. Half of me is apathetic. And the last half can't do math because the "no child left behind" act helped me graduate high school but left my brain back in 2nd grade. I think I may want to start seeing other people.

Congressman: What? But I love your money and votes.. I mean, I love you! Can't we work this out?

The Good People of America: No, it's time. I'm just not the same person I was back in 2002. It's not you, it's me. And when I say 'me', I mean how YOU make ME angry.

Congressman: We can still work it out. Well, umm... does any of your 4 halves still hate Mexicans?

The Good People of America: You know damn well that I hate Mexicans.

Congressman: OK, I'll get rid of them for you just to remind you that I love you.

The Good People of America: For real this time? Or is this just another empty promise to get us to vote for you again? I felt dirty and cheap last time.

Congressman: For real, we're even going to build a wall like they had in Berlin.

The Good People of America: YAY! VIVA FREEDOM!

And that's what I think is going on.

What do I think we should do as far as immigration? Maintain status quo. Don't open the borders up completely and don't bother building a wall. Don't deport for the sake of deporting. We can benefit from the misfortune of Mexico. They don't seem to have their shit together and people are forced to leave. We get cheap labor in return. It's a good system in my book and my book is awesome. When we have no roads to build, no space for lawns to cut, and the great farms that once grew our crops no longer exist, all we have to do is invade Canada. By then, global warming will melt their tundra and we could grow things on there other than maple trees. Plus, I planned on moving to Vancouver anyway. We could also send illegal aliens to Iraq and send our boys home. Of course, halliburton wouldn't allow this because they'd be underbid for contracts all the time. 20 bucks and a case of beer can get a ton of shit rebuilt in Iraq. It's a good thing Iraq doesn't have any home depots to stand in front of.

Paco reminded me that if there is a wall built, which is ridiculous, it would get built by Mexicans. While our side will look like some impressive wall, their side is going to be stairs. It'll stop nothing.

And don't forget, Texas. George Bush isn't like us. I don't care if you love his politics and think he's the greatest thing since that other white devil Ronald Reagan, but he's not like you. He's a spoiled ivy league educated rich kid from Connecticut. I had to look up how to spell Connecticut. That's how unlike us he actually is. Trust me, it's a good thing that he isn't like us. I wouldn't want somebody like me running shit and I sure as hell haven't met any douche bags around here that I think can run shit. You people in your trailers and 15 year old nascar apparel choking down keystones during your 2 hour power block of pro-wrestling would not make good leaders in my opinion. You can't even lead yourself out of your own stereotypes. How awful. Stop falling for parlor tricks, exaggerated accents, non-issue issues. That's not just for you rightys, you lefties need to stop following blind too. You libertarians seem to have your shit locked down but I've not found any of your candidates that have the right amount of "sexy" for me. I will not vote for a person just because of their party. It's not like any of them will ever invite me to their party unless they need drugs. Plus, voting is for gays, and I'm as straight as they come. Hell yeah, vaginas.

I Have Tourettes: A Review.

2006-03-10T01:03:00.000-08:00

I just watched the HBO documentary "I Have Tourette's but Tourette's Doesn't Have Me" on On Demand. The synopsis said that it was about kids living with Tourettes. It turns out that it's not as hilarious as expected.

It starts out funny enough. The kids talk about their normal lives. They discuss how they're normal. It's quite touching. The only problem is that they're not normal. They have Tourettes. I occasionally shake my leg when I sit down and I'm labeled a weirdo. You Tourettes kids don't get a pass.

It was around that time that I started to relate to the struggle that these kids go through. They can't go 5 seconds without waving their arms in their air while screaming "eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and that reminded me of how I can't go to sleep unless I have a pillow covering my head. Then when the kids were talking about how their fellow classmates pick on them for being different, I was reminded of how I picked on my fellow classmates for being different. My heart grew warm listening to these tales of struggle. However, things soon turned south.

They started showing clips that displated the brilliance of all these children. They were all articulate. Some played multiple instruments. One fairy looking kid could play the piano better than Mozart on meth. One was fluent in multiple languages. One drew comics and sold them on some boardwalk while hanging out with some rastafarians. I'd probably do that only instead of drawing comics I'd be mumbling about modern socialism under my breath and instead of Rastafarians, I'd be recruiting Elementary school kids into my Che Guevara fan club. The tourettes kid that really bothered me was the odd Jewish one with the unibrow. His religion didn't bother me too much and I thought his unibrow gave his face character but I took offense to his visit to Surfing Camp. That's when I realized that these were all rich kids. Only rich parents send their kids to surf camp. Only rich parents pay for music lessons. Only rich parents take an effort in educating their children. That's when I came to two possible conclussions.

People with Tourettes are actually just the offspring of inbred blue bloods.
That's good because I think rich people should suffer. I don't really care if Johnny Rockafella Jr. has a tough life because he randomly kicks in the air. Big deal. I could kick the air if I wanted to and you don't see me complaining about it. Johnny Rockafella Jr. is a total braggart. Fuck that guy.

The other possibility is that the HBO didn't want to talk about all the little scum bag kids with Tourettes.
I understand this thinking. The idea of little trailer trash children with violent nervous ticks would scare the holy crap of Christ out of people. But, these kids are kids too. They suffer in a lot of the same ways that the fancy rich tourettes kids suffer. It's not Kelly Duwayne's fault that he randomly stabs at invisible demons. He didn't choose to come out of a vagina that belonged to a chain smoking former Gwar groupie that cuts hair in her driveway for pot money. Kelly Duwayne's artistic talent would probably be creating ice in his bathtub. Cooking meth is the only thing that stops his ticks. Kelly Duwayne's story deserves to be told too. Mostly because it would be funnier.

Retard Face

2006-02-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I go through myspace profiles looking for "retard face". This is when a mentally capable person has a face that looks like it belongs to a mentally handicapped person.

Origins of Retard Face

Retard face is a recessive gene that both parents must carry in order to be passed on to the offspring. I'm not quite sure what that means but Retard face is tragically unavoidable. This makes it similar to the dreaded "man face" that some "women" suffer from.

The only thing we can do is educate each other about this disorder.

FICTION: Retard Face is contagious.
Retard face is not contagious. It's genetic. If you really care about what your children will look like, research your partner's complete family history. It's best to have a pure line of retard free family faces.

FICTION: Only gays have retard face.
Unlike being homosexual, having retard face is not a choice. It has no prejudices. It infects people regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, or nationality.

FICTION: Only retards have retard face.
Retard face does not mirror your intelligence. It's true that retards have retard face ,but you can find many people that suffer from this awful disorder that is of normal or even higher intelligence. Albert Einstein looked like a total tard.

FACT: You can live a normal life while suffering from retard face.
Millions of Americans live happily with retard face.

I didn't mean for all this to turn into a retard awareness pamphlet. I just wanted to say that you people disgust me and I wish you'd get off my internet.

Still not Gay.

2006-02-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

I've always received odd e-mails and messages from Pugs and Kelly listeners, Team Wilco readers, and other untrustworthy types. These two myspace messages are by far the creepiest of all...

On Januray 18, I recieved this message on myspace....

From: cum inside my house and
Date: Jan 18, 2006 7:45 AM

1. Yes I Know Your Straight But I'd Rather Suck A Straight Guy Off Rather Then A Gay Guy Believe Me You Might Think It's Odd But It's Possible To Suck A Straight Guy Off&the Straight Guy Remains Straight Given The Straight Guy Isn't Giving The Blow Job Back. This Blow Job Offer Is Good On Wednesday January 18th From 10 Am Until 5:30pm After 5:30pm Disregard This Blow Job Offer. Please Keep In Mind The Reason For The Time Frame Is Because It's The Only Time My Parents Are Gone&Out Of The House. "NO I HAVE NO ONLINE PICTURE PERIOD THEREFORE PLEASE DON'T ASK ME IF I HAVE ONE"

2. I'm Looking To "give" You A Blow Job&swallow Your Load Of Cum Down My Throat However The Odd Part Is I Don't "receive" Blow Jobs Back I'll Jerk Off While I'm Sucking You Off But I'll Jerk Off Myself You Don't Have To Worry About Having To Touch Me&I'll Also Agree To Maintain My Mouth On Your Dick&your Cum Going Down My Throat Beyond That I Won't Touch You Anywhere Else On Your Body. I'm A 24 Yr Old Male "NO THIS ADVERTISEMENT IS NO JOKE"

3. **** BLANK St Fort Worth Texas ***** Is My Physical Street Address

4. When You Get To My House Which Is The Third House On The Left Off Of BLANK St My House Number Is "****" You Can Spot My House Number Very Easily By My Front Door Plastered Into My Red Brick Wall Reading In Big Bold Numbers "****" Also My Front Door Is White Colored So Is My Garage. Also When You Get Here Please Get Out Of Your Car&Come Up To The Front Door&Ring The Doorbell.

On Feb. 1st, I recieved this around noon.

Sorry To Bother You But I Need A Hot Load Of Your Cum Shot Down My Throat On Wednesday February 1st, 2006 From 10:00 Am Until 6:00pm Time Frame After 6:00pm Disregard This Offer Given My Parents Are Only At Work During That Time Frame Time Frame=no Choice Giving I Only Swallow Cum When My Parents Aren't Home My Street Address To Map Out Is **** ******* Street Fort Worth Texas 7***** I Live In A House With My Parents Map Out My Street Address Here Http://maps.yahoo.com/dd Or Any Other Mapping Site Which Can Give Driving Directions.

I'm A 23 Yr Old Male. Once Your Inside My Place&the Front Door Is Closed I'll Then Get On My Knees&start Sucking Your Dick Off I'd Rather Skip The Chatter&get Down To Business Sucking Your Cock Off Immediately I'll Suck Your Dick off Until All Of Your Cum Is Swallowed Down My Throat. However I Will Jerk Off Myself Is What I Get Out Of This& What You Get Out Of This Is I Swallowing Your Gallons Of Cum For A Snack. When I Cum It'll Be Shot Onto My Chest Nowhere Near You. Let's Keep In Mind I'm The Guy Who "gives Head"=making I Gay. But You Remain "straight" Given I Don't "receive Head Back" "no I Don't Have A Online Picture Nor Do I Give Out My Phone Number&no I Can't Call You Given I Live With My Parents"

Listed Below Are Other Days This Week You Can Stop By So You Can Dump A Hot Load Of Your Hot Stud Cum Down My Throat You Can Stop By Randomly Only During These Days&time Frames:

Thursday February 2nd From 9 Am Until 3:30pm
Friday February 3rd From 9am Until 12:30pm

The address he puts is a real place and is roughly 4 miles away from my home.

I almost feel bad for declining the offer. It's just so close to my home and people know that I love good oral. I just tend to like the mouth attached to a body that has a vagina. Call me old-fashioned, but a dingus isn't very inviting to me. I know that he keeps reminding me that letting a guy suck me off wouldn't make me a homosexual, but it's certainly not going to make me anymore straight. If people think that I'm the kind of dude that can be lured places with promises of faggy blowjobs, I need to reprove my straightness.

That's why I plan on killing wild animals with my bare hands. I don't know what this will prove but I can't imagine Liberace stalking a house cat for 3 hours before wrestling it to the ground and snapping it's neck.

So for the record, I'm not gay. I don't want some guy to blow me. I certainly don't want to drive to get it. I prefer having women come to me with a plate of tacos and an eager mouth. That's why I spend so many nights alone.

What if this isn't a real invitation at all? Part of me believes that it might be an attempt to assassinate me. I've said and done many offensive things in the past and this might be my "just desserts".

All I know is this, whether it's for my murder or the greatest blow job I'll ever receive, I'm probably not going to show up.

We rock so hard, we suck

2006-01-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

Yea, it's me, Paco. Yea, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Not that anybody cares. Anybody reading this is reading this because Will told them to. All my friends can't read and hate me. Anywhoozle, since this is still half of my website, I still do what I can to promote it. So, I thinks to myself, what's a better way to promote it then by creating a band, and then making a Myspace page? Well, there's probably a billion better ways to promote it. However, I was bored and I always wanted to be in a band ever since I was in the 6th grade. I couldn't cut it in the school band because I had no rhythm. I tried out to play the drums in the 5th grade and they told me to tap my foot and slap my knee or something like that. Anyways, I fucked the whole deal up, and they said if I still wanted to be in the band, then I could play the clarinet. Fuck that shit. I was allready the fat kid, I'm not about to be the fat kid playing the fucking clarinet. That's just asking to get that clarinet stuffed up my pasty white fat ass.

Anyways, in the 6th grade, I started growing my hair long and tried to play guitar. Learning to play the guitar is alot of work. Not hard work, mind you, because millions of douchebags can play the guitar. But it was still work, and I'm allergic to work. Needless to say, I never learned to play the guitar. This is something I've always been ashamed of. Dropping out of high school, dropping out of college, quitting various jobs by telling my boss to "go fuck yourself", my inability to get laid, being unemployed for the past year and still living with my dad - that I'm not ashamed of. But my inability to play the guitar has plagued me all my life.

I'd like to think if I was in a band, I'd be able to get laid once in a while, by chicks that are neither fat nor prostitutes. However, that's what I thought when I became an intern for Pugs and Kelly 4 years ago, and that got me dick (dick as in nothing, not as in a penis, allthough at least that would of been something). To this day, it's gotten me dick. Hell, all Will the Blogger did was write their stupid blog for them, and took pictures of drunken douchebags playing dodgeball, and he's probably pulled all kinds of tail, even with a stupid name like "Will the Blogger". If you don't believe me, look at his MySpace profile. All these hot 20 something chicks are always signing up to be his friend and leaving comments like, "Oooo... you're so funny on the show... I want to blow you..." Then look at the rejected friends requests I get: it's either some weird hermit who hasn't left his room in 3 years and wants to play World of Warcraft with me, or some chick who looks like a mynock. What's a mynock, you ask? Well, go rent "Empire Strikes Back" and fast forward to the part where the Millenium Falcon escapes the Imperial fleet by landing inside an asteroid. Ok, see those things chewing on the powercables? That's a mynock, and it wants to be my friend.

But enough about my lack of a sex life, back to the point... whatever the point was. Team Wilco needed to form a band, if for no other reason then to supplement our huge egos. So, after much contemplation, I finally settled on a name: Three Dicks in One Chick.

Click the world's greatest logo to see the world's greatest band.

As I created the page, however, I think I got a little carried away. What started as a way to promote this website has become quite possibly the most offensive band ever. Being that Tom from MySpace is a total douche, I'm pretty sure our band's page will get deleted soon, along with both our regular MySpace profiles. If not because Tom is a douche, then because I sent Kevin Federline a friend request. I really hope he doesn't look at the page. If he does, hopefully he realizes that I use "Ape Tits" as a term of endearment for his wife, not an insult.

Myspace Makes Families Hate Each Other

2006-01-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

Myspace.com is a social networking site used by faggy emo guys, 14 year old girls, and awful comedians. I'm not sure which one of those three I am, but I'm on myspace too.

Myspace is good because you can spy on people. If you had a girl that you liked in High School, you can type in her name and find her. She's likely to have a myspace profile. Then you can check back every day and download every new picture she displays. Then you can make prints of them and frame them all over your room. When the pizza guy comes you can talk about how you're ordering pizza because your wife is out of town on business. This will surely impress the pizza guy. Only real men get to know the ass rapingly good time that is monogamy.

That's why Myspace is good.

Now, let me tell you why it's bad.

My sister recently signed up to myspace. She has since been on spy missions of her own. She found one of our cousins. Out of curiosity, I check it out. And by "check it out", I mean "scan quickly for anything that pisses me off".

I eventually came across this gem in her blog.

"I hate the stupid, mother fucking, lazy ass, wanna be smucks, on welfare and food stamps, who were hit by hurricane Katrina and are now making out with more money than they had. Its crap."

I thought, "wow, I think my cousin is a cunt!". Then I wondered if this was perhaps taken out of context. I'm sure scanning through Teamwilco could produce several quotes that would make me seem unlikable. Wanting to believe in the uncuntiness of my cousin, I used my context clues and discovered that this was apart of a rant on things that she doesn't care for too much.

Isn't that a nice thought? She just sat around one day and thought, "you know, I wish I was one of those lucky mother fuckers that get to sleep on a small cot in the Astrodome".

I'm sure she had more heart touching thoughts that day...

"I'm so sick of these so called "experts" that claim that the holocaust wasn't just Jewish propaganda. And if it did happen, so what? Get over it Jew Boy, you have all the money now anyway!".

And finally, what the fuck does "wanna be smuck" mean?

David Lee Roth in the Morning: A Review by Will the Blogger

2006-01-04T00:28:00.000-08:00

I love Free FM Live 105.3 KllIKYNG: The Alternative Talk that Rocks Texas, or whatever the fuck they call themselves now. They have always been nothing but great to me and my efforts. I owe them a lot. If it wasn't for Pugs and Kelly and that station, I wouldn't be the second most famous person in my high school. That means a lot to me. I had a lot of people in my graduating class, but I have a responsibilities to my feelings. I'm outraged. I'm scared. I'm every negative emotion that can be had by a human being and I just can't take it anymore.

A new morning radio talk show debuted today. David Lee Roth, formerly of Van Halen and presently a massive douche chill, is syndicated in six cities. I believe those six cities have an apology owed to them.

I attempted to enter my listening session with an open mind. I wasn't expecting the true replacement of Howard Stern. I wanted DLR's show to be good. I was hoping to hear fascinating tales from a man that has undoubtedly led a fascinating life. I was dying to hear advice from a man that has done it all. What I heard made me want to cut my ears off with Magic Johnson's shaving razor.

I could only stand hearing a little over 15 minutes or so during the first hour. I had to work anyway. As I worked, I forgot about the possibility that this show gave me a brain hemorrhage. I gave it another listen in the final hour of the show. That's right folks, AIDS ear again.

It was like a nightmare that wouldn't end. He was like an awful formerly coked up monster that was now fueled by coffee, cigarettes, and an inflated feeling of self-worth. Spots featuring the slogan, "nothin' but yeah" were accurate. That and his name seemed to be all he really said.

"yeah... It's me, David Lee... Yeah........ so I can fly a helicopter... yeah... I know martial arts, I learned from the old Japanese masters... yeah"

Mr. Roth, if you truly learned from old Japanese masters then I hope they taught you seppuku. You dishonored your family name. Ritualistic suicide is the only logical next step.

I think DLR needs people of Dutch descent helping him out. Kicking really high in tight pants just seems silly when you're by yourself.

People that know me and regular readers of Team Wilco know that I have a mild case of "Jew Envy". I prefer dating Jewish women and I have a love for making tops out of clay. I even forced my fiend Alin to be Jewish because I felt like I didn't have enough Jewish friends. Despite my love for all things Semitic, David Lee Roth made me almost understand why Hitler had Jewish people killed. It really pains me to say that. I hate it when I'm forced to sympathize with the Nazi cause. That's so stereotypical of Dallas talk radio listeners.

Now, I love Diamond Dave for his contribution to Van Halen. The sophomoric actions and immature lyrics mixed with kick ass guitar work is something that I cherish to this day. I periodically shout "PANAMA!" at people while I'm driving down the street in my Nissan. I love it, but I also love Van Hagar. If Sammy Hagar can do your old job better than you could, he can probably do your new job better too. Keep that in mind. That red headed bastard is just waiting in the weeds like a snake in the grass. Hmmmm weed and grass, hell yes.

David Lee Roth in place of Howard Stern is like this...

Howard was like waking up with a cute chick every morning. After a while, it's fun but it's not special. She doesn't fascinate you like she once did. Hell, you only bang her because there is nothing better to do. Then one day, she leaves. You sort of miss her but you look forward to trying new things. You get drunk and pilled up. You pass out for two weeks. When you wake up, you find yourself sleeping next to some old broad that looks like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula movie before he got young so that he could screw Winona Ryder and that red headed whore. Now, you're willing to pay for the cute girl to come back to your life.

On the Will the Blogger sexual rating system, David Lee Roth in the mornings is the equivalent of being raped by broken glass man. Broken glass man is black. It's that bad.

In conclusion, it wasn't a "thunderbolt in my cheerios". That was some bullshit false advertising. It was more like a turd. A fat man's turd. Thanks for having a fat man crap in my cereal, David.

2005: Year in Review

2005-12-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

As we prepare to enjoy our holidays and usher in a new year, we should take time to reflect on the importance of this past year.

2005 was truly a monumental year. It has been arguably the most important year since 2001. That's 4 years. That's like 28 in dog years.

The world lost a great leader on April 2. Pope John Paul II died. He is credited with ending the cold war. Some people might find this odd. When Ronald Reagan died, he too was credited with the fall of Soviet Communism. Blame 24 hour news channels.

The pope was replaced by a kid a kind man we took the name Pope Benedict. He came from a humble background. As a child, he played with all the other children in his small German town. Except for the Jewish ones. They were busy being murdered while he joined the Hitler youth. It's good to see that the catholic church has it's issues in check. We all know that wearing a condom is evil because it prevents life, but committing genocide isn't that big a deal.

When 24 hour news channels wasn't feeding us Pope watch 2005, we were treated to Feeding Tube Fun. Terri Shiavo proved that a weird looking chick in a vegetative state really can make a difference in the world. You know, like distract the congress with her problems which forces them to temporarily ignore the big issues like steroid use in baseball and the BCS. I suppose that congress could focus harder on the war in Iraq but that's a really downer subject. It's best to keep it light and cheery.

Hurricane Katrina reminded Americans that they're still vulnerable. It was a truly sad time for us all. There might be a few racist out there that want to say that this proved that black people really aren't able to swim. Personally, if I had my choice of doing a breast stroke through crap and dead body infested water or the possibility of repeatedly being raped inside the superdome, I'd pick the rape. I think there would be a less likely chance of catching the AIDS.

Hurricane Katrina also taught us that America is ready for any challenge. It's good to know that in the post 9/11 world, Americans are there to answer the beck and call of those in need. Like when white republicans called for the boycott of Kanye West CDs after he claimed that George Bush doesn't care about black people. I'm sure the hit in his sales hurt Kanye West. We all know that nobody loves hip hop like old white republicans. That's quite the punishment to a guy that just made one little bitty insightful comment at a possibly inappropriate time.

Karl Rove and a few other people got in trouble for something or other. It's hard to recall what it is exactly and I'm not sure how we should feel. This is probably because Karl Rove isn't around to tell us how to feel. All I know is that Karl Rove and Satan must have had a falling out.

In local news, White Settlement voted to keep their original name. Who would have thought that a place called "White Settlement" wouldn't want to adapt to modern society. I applaud their stubbornness and I must thank them. That name will serve as a warning for all minority people to stay the hell away from White Settlement. My ethnic brethren need not worry. The place will implode inside 20 years. That's what happens when a town has a population of 14,838 but only has 5 last names.

In entertainment news, aside from the death of Pat Morita, there has been only two news stories worth mentioning, the hook ups of Brad and Angelina and Tom Cruise and that cute bitch from Dawson's Creek. Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes. While some of you might be excited to see the undoubtedly beautiful offspring of these two very pretty people, I can't wait for Brad and Angelina to make babies of their own. Enough with the crappy Chinese and African babies, Brad and Angelina's genes would make the perfect human being. I also believe that their perfect child would totally kick the crap out of the weirdo religious child that Tom and Katie Holmes would have. Brangelina's kid would take Tom-Kat's kid's lunch money in the halls of Hollywood High School.

That's all that I can recall off the top of my head. I'm sure there is more but I spent the majority of this year inebriated out of my skull on anxiety medicine, pot, and vodka. We can only hope that 2006 brings us happier times. The 2006 winter Olympics seems promising... you know, if you're a fag that likes figure skating and the luge.

Several Loose Rants on Christmas Sloppily Grouped Together for no Real Reason

2005-12-19T04:50:00.000-08:00

Bill O'Reilly and a bunch of other massive douche bags are trying to get the country mad at companies and schools for wishing people "happy holidays" instead of a "Merry Christmas". He should probably keep his mouth shut longer...

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus costumes, many of them drunk, rampaged through New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores and assaulting security guards, police said Sunday.

The rampage, dubbed "Santarchy" by local newspapers, began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an Auckland overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokeswoman Noreen Hegarty

I know that since this story took place in New Zealand, it doesn't reflect the actions of civilized people. New Zealand is the white trash cousin of white trash Australia. Nevertheless, this is the kind of bullshit that O'Reilly and his gang don't need. It's hard to take a holiday seriously when drunkards keep pissing on things while dressed up as the main character. No not Jesus, the one that really existed...

One of the biggest problems with Christmas is Santa Claus. I have no real beef with his commercialism or how kids worship him as a false God, I just can't trust him. There is another bearded man that wishes to touch the lives of people everywhere. His name is Osama Bin Laden and he's a dick. Osama, stop being a dick.

Merry Christmas, infidels!

Wake up America! Jolly Ol' St. Nick fits the mold too easily. His belly shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. What is he laughing at? He has no reason to laugh. He might be displaying his "last laugh". Santa Claus sounds like some sort of middle eastern name and he has the ability to spread anthrax to every single American home. We're so stupid, that we actually welcome him with milk and cookies. We sing songs about his greatness. He keeps a list of names and he knows when you're awake. Fuck that. Fuck him.

Outside of my genuine distrust of Santa Claus, I have no hatred for Christmas. I'm not saying that your little holiday isn't cute cause it is. I think people often times forget the true meaning of Christmas. Forget arguing semantics with the wal-mart greeters, we need to get back to the roots. There is no better way to celebrate the birth and life of the most important man in your religion than to give into your bratty ungrateful bastard children's demands of X-box 360, PSPs, and packs of cigarettes. Tis the season, bitches.

Tai Shen = Evil

2005-11-30T02:06:00.000-08:00

You all know who this is right? This guy has been all over the news. His name is Tai Shen. He's about 4 months old and he's a very special boy. He is the first successfully-bred panda at the National Zoo in Washington. He's going to be raised in Washington D.C. and then he's sent to China as part of the sexy Panda international sex-off anti-extinction program. I'm told that may not be the actual name though. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't he the most adorable thing you've ever seen? Don't you just want to hug him, love him, and tell him all your dirty little secrets?

NO! Do not trust this panda. Do not trust any panda. It's also a good idea to stay away from bears. I know that I have a long history of bigotry against pandas, bears, and pretty much all animals in general, but I assure you that it's warranted.

Am I the only one that sees what's happening or am I just some insane crackpot with a crack pipe? I know that the cold war was pretty much dead 20 years ago but I didn't think that we'd forget just how diabolic communist could be so easily. Something originally from communist China has infiltrated the hearts and minds of Americans while living in the capital of capitalism, Washington D.C.

This little guy is a spy. He was born with the knowledge of Sun Tzu, the strength of a bear, and the adoration of young and old. A google image search of "Shen Tai" reveals a bunch of pictures of people doing Kung Fu. That's dangerous. He welcomes you in with pure cuteness, steals your wallet, bites your face off, and kung fu kick's your lifeless corpse into a pile of American bones. It's a lot like the Greek sirens only less body hair.

The power of China is rising. The amount of baby pandas on the news is rising. Hippie fucks and coffee house beatniks are still preaching the words of Mao Zedong. This is not a coincidence. This is dangerous. We can not allow this to continue to happen.

Other stupid panda and/or bear propaganda pieces..

Don't believe this "Pandas don't eat people" bullshit.

Pandas are secret weapons that will be used against us in World War III

Pandas are insane coke addicts.

Bears are evil and should be killed but they probably would make the winter Olympics more entertaining.

End of Holiday

2005-10-25T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'm calling a stand down of my "Fuck Robert Moreno" week. Nearly 3 days into the celebration, I received an E-mail from Mr. Moreno.

Subject: The Thief
From: "trebor onerom"
Date: Tue, October 25, 2005 8:52 pm
To: will@teamwilco.com, paco@teamwilco.com

I am being punished for my wrong doings, fair enough, that I do deserve. I had been blatantly plagiarizing material and I was called out. I had started originally just posting w/a small and barley visible link, but that is no excuse and shouldn't make up for what I have done. What can I say. I tried too hard to impress others and I got called out. I pussed out. So, what I write you two for is a formal apology. It was my wrongdoing, but not my friends. I would like to make a request not to trash my friends for my mistake.Although I don't really deserve compassion for what I did, what I am asking for is my last request as I am being rightfully slaughtered. I again would like to apologize to both Will and Paco for being a complete dumbass with no regard for their property.

Robert

My reply...

We want an apology on your livejournal and we want one on your podcast. Until we get those apologies, no truce. This is a team decision that we've made. If the apology isn't up to our liking, no truce. A penance bigger than an e-mail is needed. An apology or your soul, we'll take either.

Our fans, while loyal, aren't all that funny or able to snipe at your friends. Paco and I can easily pull that off. We've just directed people where to go so far, digging into them ourselves has crossed our mind. Words may not break your bones but they can make you question your self-worth and consider suicide.

As pissed off as we are about what you did, we're also quite flattered. Paco and I don't find ourselves all that funny and to see that somebody thinks so highly of what we do that they're willing to steal it and claim it as their own, is quite the boost to the ego. For the lift in our megalomaniac minds, we thank you.

One of my monkey boy slaves just informed me that you just apologized on your journal. That's one down. Don't forget to link our website so that your friends can see all the attention you're getting. If you can't get together a podcast in a timely manner, at least record your apology, crediting teamwilco.com of course, and post it on trail mix ASAP. The sooner you do that, the sooner we'll stop encouraging the bashing of your friends.

Look at the bright side of this, you can restart fresh and we gave you publicity.

Will the Blogger
www.teamwilco.com
"because your life is empty without it"
www.pugsandkellylive.com
"listen everyday for the rest of your life"

So there you have it. Until I hear our apology on that show he does with those nuts in the Trail Mix podcast, we're on a temporary truce. I can't make you, the fine readers of Team Wilco, stop your harassment, but I can formally discourage it. Speaking of that wacky Trail Mix podcast, I took it upon myself to give it a listen and review.

Paco found Robert Moreno's podcast. Being genuinely interested in Mr. Moreno's thoughts, I gave it a listen. I've tried to listen to a few podcast before. I found them to be unlistenable. I went into this one with a somewhat open mind. I know that I tend to become very bitter when I'm wronged but I think I went into this listening session as objective as I could possibly be.

Since I prefer to read and listen to topical subjects, I gave episode 5 a listen first. All I can say is "wow". These guys have the talent and the personality. Unfortunately, they have a talent for being completely unfunny and the personality of people that I'd like to introduce to a broken beer bottle. I'm a firm believer that you can't judge a talk show in one listen so I gave it another whack.

Episode 4 was a lot better. I didn't like the call-ins but the times where it was just two of them talking was a lot more listenable. Not enough for me to not vomit, but enough for me to not shove cacti into my ears to stop the pain.

Since I have invested so much time this week into the online entertainment career of Robert Moreno, I decided to help him out. I hate radio dorks. I hate people that think they can host or program direct better than the people that actually get paid to do it but, I'm a hypocrite so here we go...

I think the most important thing is to stop doing voices. I'm not a fan of them but I understand the appeal they have. Unfortunately for "The Trial Mix", they're unable to do voices. I'd trade in one of the retards they have for somebody that can do some actual voice work. I suggest finding some hack local comedian. You could pay him in meals.
Your pre-produced bits should be planned better. If you read it and it doesn't seem all that funny, there is a strong chance that it's not funny. I'm quite critical of my own work so I always have people that hate me check it for me. This shouldn't be difficult. You're all pretty unlikable.
I think picking up the pace of the show and being more funny would help out a lot. Try using cocaine. You'll shine more and you'll probably get more house work done. Your lack of humor and slow pace makes it difficult to listen. Since I know that Robert only uses other people's humor to make himself appear funny, pacing is the area that you can probably improve.
On episode 3, at the 22:10 mark: Russ Martin does the Pope with an Italian accent that does short rhymes advising priest to not touch kids in the butthole. You people sure do lack any original content. Be more funny.
Just quit.

I suppose I was right about podcast. They really are for people that lack the dedication, talent, and personality to be on real radio. For more podcast related bashing, click HERE.

Fuck Robert Moreno (AKA Onerom) Week: Day 2.

2005-10-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

I received an E-mail today from some jerk ass in regards to my treatment of the Robert Moreno plagiarism scandal. They said that I was acting childish. Well, you know what E-mailer? You're not invited to my slumber party. Give me back my friendship bracelet and die.

I thought my retaliation was quite tame for me. I wanted to make it to where future dick wads think twice before they steal our work. I'm not going to sit here, lie, and say that what we do is hard. It's time consuming. I stay up all night working on this shit and I'm up all day dealing with my day jobs and other writing responsibilities. Somewhere in between, I find a little time for a social life and my drug habits. With all that in mind, I can't stand by and let some asshole take credit for that work. I'm too proud for that.

I understand that people want to achieve the things that I've achieved. How could they not? I'm wonderful. That's why I wish Robert Moreno all the luck in the world for his future endeavors. Sure, he might lack the talent or discipline to come up with original content that keeps people coming back but that shouldn't stop him from wasting hours of his days trying to accomplish that feat. A bit of advice though, you must work hard to achieve the things that you desire. Copying and pasting other people's hard work will just get you made fun of on Team Wilco and the radio. Or, you must get drunk, buy 17 dollars worth of Jelly Bellies, spill them, and write about it in a Pugs and Kelly fan group on Friendzy.com Guess I really did get things handed to me for almost nothing.

Let's be fair though. It's not like Robert Moreno isn't getting more publicity than he's ever gotten before in his pathetic life. Getting a link from Team Wilco is difficult. We aren't known to play the linking political game. He also got a mention on the Pugs and Kelly show. I remember the first time they talked about me. My stomach felt funny. It was as if I had a boner in my tummy. Of course, they were praising me for my originality and wit instead of talking about how I was possibly plagiarizing one of their friends. It's a minute detail though. One that will be forgotten with time. Well, unless...

I officially made it "Fuck Robert Moreno" week here at Team Wilco. That's right people! 7 days dedicated to the heroics of one Robert Moreno. He who was shamed into deleting his stolen content only to rise again with a new live journal. He's like Christ if Christ bragged that he had a smart mouth and the ability to back it up. So, don't go to work for a week, get all your "F.R.M." Holiday shopping finished, and buy a turkey from the supermarket. DO NOT buy a ham. We don't dig down on swine unless it's in bacon form. That's the 7th commandment, brother.

Team Wilco Exclusive Report: Plagiarized

2005-10-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know, this weekend has been very busy for Team Wilco Enterprises. We received an e-mail on Saturday from Liss.

Team Wilco,

Hmm. Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but there's a guy who is totally plagiarizing your stuff. Entries in his livejournal are, essentially, copy and pastes of your work/photos/links and there is no credit (that I can find) given to you guys.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/onerom2013/
For shame.

Love your blog,
Liss
Upon clicking the link, I noticed several shocking similarities between Team Wilco and this asshole's live journal. I took screen caps to demonstrate this.

Robert Moreno of Garland Texas writes...

Which of course is this.

The gentleman that says, "I'm just some dude with a smart mouth. But, I back my stuff up. I welcome all to say something" wrote this.

Which bares a resemblance to this.

The hilarious podcast host and writer was also quite opinionated about Paris Hilton.

Odd, I'm quite opinionated about Paris too.

The Robert Moreno in Garland, Texas who listens to the Pugs and Kelly Show, Russ Martin Show, and Dan and Tasos show said this about Chewbacca becoming an American Citizen.

It's obvious that I ripped him off with my lame attempt to copy his genius.

I've spent my entire life looking for a soul mate. Somebody that thinks like me. Little did I know that it was just a few miles away in Garland. Hell, Robert even has my exact same handwriting.

Or maybe I stole his Harriet Miers coverage. To really throw him off, I posted it almost a day before him. I'm so clever!

OK, an obvious plagiarism job by one Mr. Robert Moreno of Garland, Texas who, in his 22 years of existence, has developed a smart mouth and the ability to back it up that might be found listening to Dan and Tasos or bumping Public Enemy while being trained by somebody that resembles an upside down bowling pin for some job that probably has to do with computers. All this while updating his shitty livejournal for all his high school buddies to laugh at.

It doesn't stop with me though. Robert also stole from Paco. He deleted the account before I could screen cap that but I did manage to get THIS.

Look familiar? Yeah, that's a thesuperficial.com post. Shame on you Robert. Shame.

So, Mr. Moreno deleted his account after I mocked him in the comments section of his journal. Luckily, Liss screen capped my comments for me.

More!
Even More!!!

Robert, you got away with this for a long time. By Paco's research, you've been doing this since July. It must have been a pleasant ride. You probably received the adoration of all your loser friends. Hey, I know. I get that sometimes too. Did you really think it was wise to do this to a website that is frequently advertised on the number one talk radio station in the number 5 market? (I think those two stats are right) Did you think that it was possible to get away with this? Oh you crazy kid, you're one of the many reasons why I hate our generation. You know, there are a lot better sites and writers to steal from that don't have the type of exposure that we get. Honestly, I think Paco and I are a little overrated. We pretty much just come up with ways to say "I fucking hate BLANK" over and over again. You might consider us one trick ponies with shitty photoshop skills and a tendency to commit crime. All of this might be true but at least we're original. Robert, you could have rewritten each post and probably gotten away with it. Simply taking out any mention of me or Team Wilco isn't going to cut it. Linking directly from our photobuckets was pretty fucking dumb. Did any of your friends wonder why your hilarious pictures were in a photobucket called "Willthethrill","Willteamwilco", or "Willtheblogger"? Our readers are slightly smarter than that. Slightly, I still think they're all borderline retards.

There are a few nice things that I took away from this experience. I think Paco said it best...

Part of me wants to be offended, and string up this douche bag for 30 counts of grand larceny of intellectual properties and 5 counts of being a choad. However, another part of me is flattered that this guy finds us so funny that he'd blatantly rip us off and pass it off as his own to make others think that he too is funny.

Flattery does feel good. Do you know what else feels good? Making people feel bad. So, I present to you, loyal readers of Team Wilco, people that got lost here on accident, people that send us hate mail for talking bad about sea creatures, and weird guy that just likes my picture of a panda, Robert Moreno's MSN username.

trebor_onerom

Oh, here is his new livejournal, sans Team Wilco content. I don't think Robert has actually seen a real life woman. He thinks that the measurements of 34-32-26 is hot. Robert, that's an upside down bowling pin.

Painless really. We laughed. We cried. I smoked a little weed in the middle of writing all this out. And, I think Robert Moreno made out pretty well. He gets free links on Team Wilco and he has a new reader, me.

Once again, I'd like to thank Liss for helping us out. You can read her plagiarism free live journal HERE. I'd like to thank everyone that sent me well wishes in this ordeal. It's your comfort and the power of Christ that helps me overcome all obstacles. Amen.

R.I.P. Low Rise Jeans

2005-10-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

Waistlines are inching up on hemlines as fashion's barometer. Navel-obscuring in the '80s, they were navel-baring a few years ago, and this fall they're creeping up toward the bellybutton again.

Hipbone-hugging styles still dominate mall racks and high school hallways. But the fashion-forward flock is donning pants and jeans that graze the ribcage, as paraded on recent Fashion Week runways. And the rest of us are realizing that pant choice shouldn't have to dictate underwear choice.

I finally get a fashion style that I can get behind and they take it all away from me. And by get behind, I mean follow a behind for an hour while I'm stalking people in the mall. Low rise jeans are awesome and sexy. It's sexsome. However, there are often cases of notsosexyitis when the asshole hugging jeans are on a fat person. Michael Moore never looks good in those things.

Whether you think Michael Moore is a fat disgusting hero of the modern liberal movement or a fat disgusting idiot with a fast food addiction, I think everyone can unite in their belief that Moore should never wear low rise jeans.

God that's hot.

Rest in peace, low rise jeans. The nation mourns for thee.

Coolest Thing Since "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo"

2005-10-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

MIAMI - The alligator has some foreign competition at the top of the Everglades food chain, and the results of the struggle are horror-movie messy.

A 13-foot Burmese python recently burst after it apparently tried to swallow a live, six-foot alligator whole, authorities said.

The incident has heightened biologists' fears that the nonnative snakes could threaten a host of other animal species in the Everglades.

I don't care what anybody says. That is awesome.

Titties and Beer

2005-09-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Oktoberfest is awesome. That is all

Babs Bush Doesn't Care About Black People

2005-09-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe Kanye should have said that instead.

So, Barbara Bush opened her mouth and accidentally chuckled as she was saying something to the effect of, "these people at the arenas are better off here than they were at their homes". She was speaking of course about the American Refugees( how weird is it to say that?) that are forced to live in the Astrodome and the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina. While I don't think that it was a great indicator of her compassion, I think it's a good reflection of her reality. She has no clue. Living in a prison-like world in stinky clothes is not better than living in the 9th ward. It might be better than living in the 5th ward but that's because Houston sucks. Pugs and Kelly covered this today on their show. You can read my recap of that segment HERE.

Cause living like this completely sucks.

I'm not surprised one bit. I figured that Babs was out of touch with reality. She's just an old white grandma.

I was just a little taken back that she delivered the line like she was drinking cocktails at a party with a bunch of WASPs. Something about that just screamed inappropriate. I would probably have more fun at the Superdome than at home but I'm weird like that. I'd run around stiff-arming people while pretending to be Deuce McAllister. Deuce is pretty awesome and I'm pretty awesome.

In related news, some people were saying that they think the Saints should take the football season off. I disagreed with them. Sure, it might be a little weird to have New Orleans Saints games outside of New Orleans for non-New Orleans residents but I like football a lot. I want all the teams to play. Yeah, it's selfish but I never claimed to be a good person. However, after reading that the Saints are considering moving to San Antonio permanently, I must agree with everyone else. They shouldn't play. They actually should never play football again. Fuck San Antonio.

In other news, this picture is pretty funny.

Why There is no Hurricane Coverage From Me...

2005-08-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

Somebody asked me why I wasn't covering the hurricane in Louisiana. I didn't have a good answer. Well, I wouldn't say that. I'm not covering it because it depresses the shit out of me. Sure, I've seen some pictures that I could make fun of. I admit that the thought of "that's what they get for living there" has crossed my mind. I have no doubt that I could write up some new material on this shit but I just don't want to. The news has over saturated me with pictures of destruction and worried family members. I see people from places that look 100 times worse than any shitholes in Iraq take on the full wraith of mother nature. Even though people consider me to be one of the most insensitive, black-hearted, nasty-mean, miserable cock suckers they know, my heart hurts for those people. Or it might be a mild stroke, whatever. I'm even considering joining a red-cross or some other type of group. I just need to scope out which one has the most young loose hippie bitches. I don't want to get stuck in the bored fat house wife group.

So if anybody came here expecting me to rip into the poor bastards in those areas, sorry. Here is a picture of elephants making out to make up for it...

Hell yes, sexy.

This just in, I kind of changed my mind...

Ah, that one is just too easy. A couple of meth heads floating on a board with beer, it's easier than fucking Kim Jong-Il.

Drugs are Bad...

2005-08-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

So, if you didn't notice during my TO post, I may have taken a few things that I'm not suppose to take. I may have drank a little coors light, even though it makes me puke, along with it.

I ended up with this as an away message on my AIM...

all me yo, I like being cvalled but if you're a cunt then O ond' tant to talk t you nad I will hnagoup on you.. I fouy kep alling m e there will be a problem, oufat awhore.
phone records read as follow

7:58 AM.. my booty call
8:03 AM... ex-girlfriend
8:06 AM... a different ex-girlfriend
8:08 AM... a different ex-girlfriend
8:10 AM... a different ex-girlfriend
8:12 AM... a girl that I was secertly in love with for a very long time
8:15 am... A girl that now lives in Chicago.
8:16 AM... the same girl...
8:17.. the same girl.
8:20 AM... the same girl
8:30 AM... Girl that I had a fling with last year
8:32 AM... girl that I had a fling with last year.. and by fling I mean getting head from her then realizing that she was awful at it and then I stood her up for every date after that.
1:40 PM voice mail from a girl telling me about body chemistry, chasing my dreams ETC, she'll call me back after work.

I think I may have invited everyone I know to my house tonight.

I made a huge mistake. But hey, party at my place.

America should assassinate Pat Robertson

2005-08-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need to spend another 50 cents for a gallon of gas because some crazy old man who hears voices that he claims is "God" can't keep his mouth shut about the guy in charge of the largest oil reserves outside of the Middle East.

Out of all of Pat Robertson's complaints about
Hugo Chavez, his biggest is Chavez's gay
marriage to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro.

Yes, Hugo Chavez is a douchebag. Yes, we probably should assassinate him - if for no other reason, simply because we can. But you don't announce it to the world, dummy. Assassinating a world leader requires a little more guile then, oh, I dunno, pulling up in a pick up truck and shotgunning a doctor at point blank range as he leaves an abortion clinic. It requires time, and planning, and patience, and most importantly SECRECY. You don't announce you're going to assassinate someone, it's bad assassin ettiquette. Did Johne Wilkes Booth get on his stupid talk show and say he was going to kill Lincoln? No, Lincoln never saw it coming, like when they killed Joe Pesci in Goodfellas... and Casino... and Home Alone II.

Now Pat Robertson's big fat mouth has completely thrown off our plans to kill Hugo Chavez, since he's expecting it now. Good job, did "God" tell you to do that one? Seriously, if you were really somehow communicating with an omniscient deity of some sort, why would he give you so many bad ideas? Perhaps he's playing some kind of joke on you, but that's pretty fucked up. I'd expect that from Will, or myself, but I'd think God would be bigger then that.

An Unfunny Bullshit List from a Lame Website

2005-08-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

I just checked fark.com like I always do before I go smoke 3 packs of cigarettes and they had a link to something called, "40 Funny Reasons Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman,". It wasn't funny. It was actually quite lame. Expect that shit to be mass-spammed to you by old relatives that are learning how to use their computer or that asshole in the cubicle next to you. So, like I did with my "Boys have a Penis, Girls Have a Vagina" post, let's break these down.

This list is from here and I assume everything they do is stupid.

1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
Whatever, we all know that the rich and beautiful get off first. Then the plain faced women with nice racks and then the uglies. And you uglies should know by now that I have no problem shoving you out of the way so that I can get to a life boat. I don't care how many "noble men" try to stop me, they'll be seeing the top half of my baseball bat.

2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
As long as the hug isn't too lingering. A dude can hug another dude on rare occasions and as long as the hug doesn't stick for too long, it's not gay at all. I don't hug anybody unless it's for a sexy time. I'm not queer.

3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
I fail to see how this makes women any better than men. It's quite fun to picture chicks naked when I speak to them. It's the only way I pay attention to the unintelligent bullshit that spews from their mouths.

4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
That's fine. A man can never be blamed for blood in the sheets or panties in the sink. Well, occasionally... I'll leave my private life out of this.

5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
That's such bullshit and you know it. The same claim can be made about men and we're allowed to vote and own land. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.
You've obviously never seen me drink beer and lay down or masturbate and watch the news at the same time. I'm sure some men can't pull that off but I'm special.

7. Women live longer than men.
Not if I have anything to say about it.

8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
How come ugly chicks haven't figured out to hide their entire faces yet? Or better yet, how come they don't live underneath a bridge with the rest of the trolls? It doesn't matter how much make up you put on it, the boils on your lips are still there, herpes face.

9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
I would think that a man would be noticed if he didn't show up at his job, his bar, or his booty call's house. This one is stupid again.

10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
All right, I admit that most men never mature but most women never reach maturity either. We call them gymnast and they have no tits.

11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
And then you get fat and pimply and wonder why nobody loves you, then you eat more chocolate, fatty.

12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
I'm a straight man who doesn't feel uncomfortable around gay dudes that aren't trying to suck my dick. As long as as nobody is trying to make a finger disappear, I'm cool. I'm tired of the stereotype that all straight men are homophobes. I bet some cock sucking fairy started it.

13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
A man can assess a woman just by looking at their ass. I like our way better. Shoes don't give me an erection.

14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
you evil bitches

15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
This things just gets more unfunny and unfunny huh? If you're still reading this than I feel sorry for you. My mind checked out at 7.

16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
Except the poor schmuck that has to pull her pants off to reveal the fucking hedgehog colony that's living on her legs. I'm not even going to get into the squirrel that made it's way into her vagina. I have some class you know.

17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
Again, I fail to see why this makes women any better. Sex and football both rock, it's rather fun to think about them all the time. Sometimes I get them mixed up in my mind and I accidentally fantasize about giving Michael Vick a hand job. That's OK though, Michael Vick is awesome.

18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Men shouldn't either. I've seen women who lust after cartoon characters. They're called anime dork queens and they're fucking hideous. They make me want to slice my wrist with a butter knife and listen to bananarama. Sure, more dork guys lust after Lara Croft or some anime chick but those people aren't allowed to be considered guys.

19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
I've covered this before it seems as though this list is recycling old shit. I'm into recycling too... groupies are annoying. Just be a respect giving fan. I have no use for a girl that would consider blowing a roadie for a chance to meet Larry David. He's bald.

20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
Unless she's ugly then she has to pay just as much as we do.

21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
Some guys can do that too. Some guys can feel better just by drinking beer with a few buddies. I like beer and I like my buddies. That's way better than lipstick.

22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
Yeah, ok.. I don't get that either but most girls in sports are dykes and what they do in the shower after a win is way worse than a little ass slapping.

23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
Ok

24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
No, most men will think she's stupid. Stupid just means easier to bang. Easier to bang means that they'll be nicer to you and they'll treat you like you're cute when in fact, you're stupid.

25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
A sign of weakness.

26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
If a woman cries, it totally makes me lose my wood. It's not my fault that you get daddy issues when you sleep with me. Don't make me feel like shit when I'm trying to club you in the back of the head with a giant purple dildo.

27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
Again, a weakness. I like the denial part. Take care of the kiddos, suckers. I got other chicks to knock up.

28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
Hey, what you've gone through growing up is your business. If daddy did something to you than I'm sorry but please don't involve me. I got my own problems to deal with and they're more important than your incest-fanatic raping father.

29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.
No but there is penis envy. Envy my small Asian penis you prickless beings. Envy it.

30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
Which just happens to be a channel that will bore the socks off of a dude. I'm sorry but I have no interest in watching Carson and the boys remake some dude. I'd rather watch reruns of the Duke's Of Hazard, The Football Game, part of Sports Center, and the Godfather on TNT.

31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
So does the Rock and he can beat your ass. We win again.

32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
Which makes it easier for men to take advantage of them and bring them home. Sorry, we win again.

33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
Bullshit. Every girl I know with that fucking lower back tattoo that men lovingly refer to as a "target" got it while drunk with their friends on spring break.

34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
No, but they'll drive in the fast lane at 40 miles per hour, on the cell phone, while putting on make-up and yelling at their rug rats in the back. Now, stereotypes hurt don't they? Let's not have to use them.

35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
I'm not but some men are. I think it's gross too. You win that one.

36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
They should. You should never be happy with yourself. You should always try to better yourself in every way possible. When you let yourself become stagnant, you might as well die. And you will if you ever make more money than me.

37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
The Arizona Cardinals got new uniforms this season, that's like a wardrobe.

38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
So do men, we call it the phonebook. It doesn't leave bruises.

40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
I'll have you know that I've grown lots of pot and I was successful at it. I had an entire hydroponics setup in both of my closets growing up and my weed was the shit. The only female dealer I ever knew was my sister and she always had bullshit dirt grass. We win again!

Cheesy Gordita Crunches are Great

2005-08-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

I was feeling ill the other night and used some good old fashioned herbal remedies. After using the herbal remedies, I got a little hungry. My craving was for tacos. I found myself at Taco bell and was surprised that the cheesy gordita crunches are back. They're awesome. You should eat them. If you've never had any, you're probably a communist. If you're a vegetarian, you can replace the beef with easy bean and it's still great. That's what my friend Alin "the Jew" Pittsberg did. I'm so happy that these things are back that I'm about to orgasm all over my khaki cargos. They rank right up there with honey BBQ wings from KFC and McRibs from McDonalds. Today is a great day.

That's America, brother. Let freedom ring.

Nana's Thoughts on President Arroyo's Impeachment Trial

2005-07-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

MANILA, Philippines - Opposition lawmakers in the Philippine parliament filed impeachment proceedings Monday against President Gloria Arroyo, accusing her of vote-rigging and other allegations.

Arroyo made no direct reference to the 2-month-old scandal during her annual state of the nation address hours later, but urged Congress to undertake quick constitutional changes toward a more stable form of government and hopefully ease the political divisions hampering the Philippines.

I've been following this story for a while now. I never knew what to really make of it. When I watch the Filipino news I just see floating dead bodies and Manny Pacquiao. So, I asked my grandmother. My Grandmother is 79 so she was born in 1926. She grew up during the "Japanese time". This was the Japanese occupation of the Philippines during World War II. She hates the Koreans and the Japanese. She tries to look past her past but occasionally she'll end a sentence with "Dirty Korean Dog. Her husband was involved with the Liberal Party as were a few of my uncles. We also had a family member that was one of Ferdinand Marcos' goon squad. Yeah, that's kind of messed up. The point is, my grandmother cares a lot about politics in the US and the Philippines. THere she's a "liberal" and here she's a staunch conservative. Conservative, aside from the whole "praise Jesus!" aspect that seems to be going hand in hand with people these days. She pretty much watches Fox News and plays Tetris 64 and Dr. Mario all day. Then she gambles away my inheritance at night.

This is what my grandmother had to say about the Arroyo impeachment trial. I asked her and she started ranting. I just wrote down everything she said word for word.

*note* My grandmother is also going senile

"Eh... Ehhhhh.... She is a bright one. I tell you that much. Her being a lady, I think lots of people try to target her. I hear that a lot of the problems are her husband. You hear things about the husband doing things but you don't actually know because you just hear them. They said that it's voter's fraud but that's part of politics in the Philippines. It's kind of like that everywhere but it's especially like that there. Politicians are willing to hire assassins to take out certain people that anger them. In a place like the Philippines where communication between certain provinces can be hard it's especially easy to rig elections. When you take into consideration the lawless nature of the communist separatist and the Muslims in the south, it's just a cluster bomb of black ops style behavior. One thing the CIA left I guess. Land Lords of the slums and all those poor areas force their residents to vote for whoever they want. They tell them "vote for Dinkiedoo or I'll evict you". It's really sad. I'd imagine this sort of thing happens in lots of crap countries. At least here your vote just doesn't count. Imagine.. Imagine. The big corporations have been complaining about Arroyo too. Apparently, it's harder for Chinese Merchants to peddle their wares to Pilipino businesses. The cost of the import/export is too high for some people to stomach. The corporations always have tons of high ranking politicians in their pockets. It was like that back in my day. It's like that now. The bureau of customs. The bureau of customs. Especially China. All those mall in the Philippines have 99 percent Chinese goods. How do they get in? Crooks... those damn crooks. And you know we have cousins that I let have some land to live on and now they want to own it? Stupid poor people. You be nice to them. You give them land and now they want to take it from you. I swear it's like the American colonist only lamer and stinkier I'm hungry..."

Happy Birthday to Me

2005-07-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday today. I decided what I want.

A fucking 13 pound Gummy Bear. Hell yeah, I promise not to smoke this one.

I was drunk. I didn't have any more weed.

"Special" Animals

2005-07-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Dolphins and beluga whales were born with one extra chromosome. That means down syndrome for you stupids out there. That is all.

A little common courtesy...

2005-06-18T03:25:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Jim Norton show at the Improv, which was awesome. I went with Will, Pugs, Kelly, and some other people. Sitting at the table next to us was some dingy broad who was coked up more then a Columbian drug mule with a busted condom up their ass... not that there's anything wrong with that, that's my kind of lady. Except she wouldn't shut the fuck up. It was like a Chatty Cathy doll, without the personality.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Who the hell goes to a Comedy Club and talks during the act? I could understand people doing that during Dave Little's act, but this was the headliner for fuck's sake. This is what people paid money to see, and you've got the gaul to pull out your cellphone? I contemplated throwing an ashtray at the blithering hosebag. If this was an Islamic country, she would of been drug on stage and given a facial from an AK-47. No wonder terrorists think we're soft.

Shame on you People

2005-06-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Shame on you people for making "Dancing with the Stars" the number one show between June 6 and June 12. .

You can read the story HERE.

I'm so sick that you people did that. I can't even comment on it without declaring jihad on all your families. Stop watching crappy TV just because it's on TV. You can pick up a fucking book or something. I thought this show was a joke when I saw the commercials for it. The only "star" I recognized was Evander Holyfield and one of those douche bags from the New Kids on the Block. I don't want to watch C level celebrities waltz. I guess I'm in the minority once again. I might be getting old. I don't get this shit. I don't get the "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" song. I don't get the Blue Collar Comedy douche bags. I don't understand the appeal of that tooth-faced Hilary Swank skank. It's like I'm on fucking crazy pills. I guess I underestimate the stupidity of middle America.

Maybe the Unabomber was right after all...

2005-05-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not really "hip" to anything, I usually don't hear about things until I see it as a headline on Yahoo! News. So, if I'm some retard behind the curve about this, forgive me, I have more important matters on my mind, like how I'm going to afford the alcohol it will take to make the pain go away. Anyhoozle...

Sirius to Offer 'Podcast' Show

By SETH SUTEL, AP Business Writer Mon May 2,12:44 AM ET

NEW YORK - Sirius Satellite Radio Inc. is latching onto the "podcasting" phenomenon, launching a show later this month that will feature a daily selection of the increasingly popular do-it-yourself audio programs.
The move by Sirius comes just days after Viacom Inc.'s Infinity Broadcasting unit said it would convert a struggling talk radio station in San Francisco to an all-podcast format.

Ok, whatever the Hell that means... reading on...

The show, which Sirius was expected to formally announce on Monday, will begin broadcasting weekdays on May 13. It will be hosted by Adam Curry, the former MTV personality who helped create the technological tools that allow podcasting to work. The show will be broadcast on Sirius channel 148, a talk-radio station that does carry commercials, unlike Sirius' all-music channels.

Podcasts are essentially audio files made by amateurs and uploaded to the Internet where they can be shared with other listeners, either at their computers or on portable digital listening devices such as Apple Computer Inc.'s hot-selling iPod — thus the name "podcast," a combination of "pod" and "broadcast."

Podcasts are less than a year old but have become popular with the booming use of iPods. They include music and random musings on things like wine, pop culture, politics, hobbies and sports.

Ok. So... from what I gather, this so-called "podcast" is basically... MP3s of shitty internet radio. Great. Bloggers who think they're radio personalities (as opposed to failed radio personalities who think they're bloggers). So I followed the link to www.ipodder.org, which is the blog where these future radio "talents" (and I use that word as liberally as possible) post their links.

Now, keep in mind, I didn't even attempt to listen to any of these shows. However, I believe these postings speak for themselves:

New Podcast - CoasterRadio.com Podcast
A half-hour radio talk show and Podcast dedicated to theme parks and thrill rides -Subscribe here

New Podcast - Aspenbloom WellPet
Your online guide to holistic pet care...bringing you resources, tips, news, articles to help you care for your pets naturally! -Subscribe here

New Podcast - Mom 100 years in 2005
A public depository of information, comments, musings, and pictures on Fannie Mulieri's upcoming 100 year celebration on Aug 09.2005. -Subscribe here

New Podcast - The GodCast Network: RevTim Podcast
Bringing hope through real-life discussion and experiences. Inspiring, absolutely real, fun, interesting, and ... positive. This is a podcast that will make you think while you enjoy its content. -Subscribe here

New Podcast - podcast paul - podcastpaul.com. The journal of English Paul
podcast paul - podcastpaul.com. The journal of English Paul - LiveJournal.com -Subscribe here

Look, I'm not going to pretend that anyone reads my stupid blog besides Will, who I don't even think reads it half the time. And I'm allright with that. This is not for you, this is for me to spew my venom somewhere so I can look back and say, "Hey, remember that time I thought the Mavericks were going to win the NBA Championship and nobody believed me? Man, I was so money on that." But the idea of reading this nonsense into a microphone in my computer, and making it into an MP3 so you weirdos can download it to your iPod then go and do whatever it is you do with your iPod just strikes me as... well, retarded.

Maybe the Unabomber was right after all.

Boy's Have a Penis, Girls Havea Vagina

2005-04-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

A friend from Florida sent me a list about how to treat a woman. I'm not sure if she wrote it or if it's just spam but, I took the time to read it. I found the demands to be unrealistic. I replied on behalf of all men. No thanks are necessary guys...

Note: in italics is the female demand, the guy response is in regular text.

Another Note: Fuck Tracy McGrady

1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot.
Then don't trick us with "hey, do you think she's pretty?" Sure, I've learned that the correct response is "no baby, she's a dog compared to you, " But you people know better. That's why I don't lie.

2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Same to you. I'm watching the game god damn it. Go in the kitchen and make me a manwich. It's more than a sandwich.. it's a meal. I don't need some chick blabbering in my ear about periods or marriage or whatever the fuck they talk about while I'm watching Dirk light it from beyond the arch.

3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
the lingerie is for me to wear. What I do when the bathroom is locked is my business.

4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Agreed but you better give me anal for my birthday.

5. There is no such thing as too much spooning.
What about when I have to go to work the next day and I can't sleep in that position? I have to put money on the table and food in my wallet.

6. Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D.
but I hurt my neck and my jaw... come on hook a brother up.

7. This is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care.
then you'd be right.

8. Which also means that if we don't call, take the hint.
akuna matata then... it means no worries

9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary.
if you flirt, cheat, look at, talk to, speak of, or watch any TV show with a man on it... I'll crush you and feed your soul to the goat lord.

10. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on.
why does everything have to be about you? what about what turns me on? Now put on a nun's outfit and sit on this crucifix while I call you "David".

11. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face).
Didn't you just say "just because you go down doesn't mean that we have to?". Well then... what up with that miss thang?

12. Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.
how long? Some of us have to work in the morning... there should be a contract. Maybe an official to time us.

13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not.
If you're late then we're going to the clinic. I thought you were on the pill.

14. Eye contact is key.
fine, but sometimes nipples look like eyes.

15. Don't take longer to get ready than we do.
then don't take up the bathroom for 3 hours. I have to put on my face too.

16. Laugh at our jokes.
be more funny

17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty.
Then do you really want me to tell you that your ass looks fat in those pants? Or that I hate your mother? Or that I only told you I loved you so that I can sleep with you? Or that I didn't really get herpes off of a toilet seat?

18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers.
groupies are annoying. Just be a respect giving fan. I have no use for a girl that would consider blowing a roadie for a chance to meet Larry David. He's bald.

19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
you should, I've faked it a few times. I don't understand other dude's need to know if it's real. If I don't satisfy her then that's fine with me. At least one of us got off. My father always told me that any job worth doing is a job worth doing half-assed.

20. Do not start with us. You will not win.
I'm quite good myself. You're rather boastful about your argumentative skills. I'm not too shabby when it comes to argumentative wit. And besides, I refuse to lose. I'm sure you can understand that. I'll admit when your argument has swayed me and I think you should acquiesce at times too. And sometimes I'll just pretend to give in cause I want you to shut up.

21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so.
I hate my sister and often thought about ending her life. And besides, MOST guys also refuse to fuck, marry, or date their sister. Most... I know you live in Florida though.

22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way.
liar liar liar...
me:"hey baby, would it be all right if I...."
Queen Bitch: "NO! SHUT UP AND BRUSH MY HAIR YOU FUCKING PEON!"
me: "I love you..."
Queen Bitch: "I DON"T CARE... I"M FUCKING YOUR COUSIN!"

23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes! Ever.
that's fine... don't get mad when I can't afford to take you out so that you can show off your fancy clothes and shoes. I have good credit and would like to keep it that way. I'd also like to retire one day. The idea of being a Walmart greeter when I'm 80 scares me.

24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. But, don't ask us about it or throw it in our faces. You will go down.
Hell, I'll go down if you ask nicely. I have yet to earn my red wings but I've considered. Just lay a towel down.

25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car.
I'm ok with that. Just give us the chance.

26. We love surprises!
I have AIDS!!! Surprise! I have a coke problem! Surprise!!!! I think I might be gay!!1 Surprise!!! how does that work?

27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
every girl is different. Kissing is always different for each separate couple. As long as you don't try to eat my head or hit my teeth with yours then I'll do whatever you want.

28.Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.
then notice when I DON'T look at other girls or when I mute MSNBC or Sports Center while we make love.

29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!
If you start picking out our underwear then we should be allowed to pick out yours. You must wear power rangers underwear.

30. Clean your room before we come over.
you aren't my mother. I cum in your vagina I didn't come out of it.

31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity.
agreed. Brush your teeth before you expect morning sex. There is nothing worse than trying to maintain an erection while I have your dog shit breath in my face.

32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. That or we didn't want to go down in the first place. Pricks.
That's fine... I'll just pretend it's because my penis is HUGE.

33. If we don't answer the phone 3 times in a row, or don't call you back after 24 hours...stop calling, were not interested!
like wise... also, don't show up to my office and demand to know why I haven't called you back... or show up 9 months later with some kid that you claim is mine. I'll just poke it in the head with a wire hanger until you go away.

34. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours.
as long as I went first then we're cool

35. Don't act hard around your friends because I won't make you hard tonight.
Why are you dating phony ass douchebags? Sounds like you are an awful judge of character.

36. Sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!"
Trust me, I learned that at my last court case.

37. "Wife Beaters" are not an adequate form of fashion.
Agreed, they're suited for trailer park picnics. I grew up in a house with foundation.

38. If we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your girlfriend.
That's fine. If I wanted a porn star I'd fuck a porn star.

39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right.
What about during sex? Am I suppose to comfort you because you suddenly had Daddy issues while I'm finger cuffing you with a black dildo?

40. Don't let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough.
Don't let ex-boyfriends stick around then. Don't tell me that you're just friends. Is keeping ties with some douchebag that you left really worth risking what we have? Keep it simple.

41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.
as long as you understand that, cool.

42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
not always the case and you know it.

43. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.
hahahaha fat... hahahahahahaha.... fat! At least fat chicks have a way to get over the misery.

44. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! And, for Christ's sake, don't ask us what you did. It only pisses us off and hurts our feelings even more.
thank god I'm not a woman. Cause I have no problem explaining why I"m being quiet, shrugging my shoulders, yelling, cursing, and bludgeoning her kittens.

45. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware.
then don't make us dance

46. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.
this is the age of cell phones, everyone carries one. IT shouldn't take THAT long to pick it up. a simple flip or a button push.

47. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.
Then don't get pissed about the shitty ring I got you. I may not have a lot of money but it's the best I could do right now. I worked for months for that. I didn't even want to get pre-engaged. I think it's a stupid pretentious act. No, Fuck you.. you whore. You fucked Eddy and I know it. OH, you didn't know I knew? Yeah, that's right. Shut up.. just shut up... I love you. WHAT? I don't care if I have a small penis. I've never complained. Yeah, that's right walk out that door. Leave your keys on the table. I'll leave your stuff with your sister. No fuck you, you fucking twat. I hope you get vagina cancer and rot from the inside. What? how dare you throw that in my face. I'm not an addict. I just use from time to time. No no no no no no shut shut shut shut shut up up up up up up up up die die die die die die... I didn't threaten you. DOn't you fucking call the cops. I hate the cops. You know what? That's fine. My father owns half the city anyway. Go ahead. OH hell no, I would never ask my father for money so that I can buy my stupid whore of a girlfriend a meaningless trinket. Don't you dare.. don't you dare. That's my life work. THat's my life work! Oh you burned it you whore. I"ll kill you and your whole family.... and that was my last relationship.... what was the question again?

48. DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!!!! (and, in my case- don't say it at all. It creeps me out.)
DONE! Don't ask me to say it then.

49. Don't lie to us . . . WE WILL CATCH YOU.
Sure you will.

50. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you. every...little...detail...
up the ante then. Might as well lie. You should give your friends some reason for your desire to maintain a relationship with a jerk off like me. You just look foolish if you stay with a guy that treats you bad, has a small penis, and doesn't work.

Be warned.
Warning accepted

and in closing, Dude seriously... fuck Tracy McGrady.

Ramblings of a Self-Hating Communist

2005-03-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

It's no secret. I'm a pinko-commie-fag loving-liberal-hippie-fuck. At least, this is what I'm called in Texas. Apparently, having even slightly liberal beliefs is enough to label you as an evil baby killer. While I do not doubt that I'm evil, I would like to point out that both sides believe in killing babies. The only difference is that liberals prefer to kill American babies. I've never been one to care for semantics so I'll get off that topic.

I hate extremist. There is nothing worse than a fanatic follower. That is of course unless they are following me.

TAMPA -- A man apparently enraged by a Bush-Cheney sticker on a woman's sport utility vehicle faces felony charges after chasing her for miles and trying to run her off the road as he held an anti-Bush sign, police said.

***
Nathan Alan Winkler, 31, was free after posting $2,000 bond early Wednesday on a charge of aggravated stalking, which carries a maximum five-year prison sentence.

***
Police said that as Winkler chased the woman's vehicle, he held up a small sign in his Nissan sedan that read, "Never Forget Bush's Illegal War Murdered Thousands in Iraq.''

I admit that this makes me laugh. It's disgusting yet hilarious. What is the use of preaching peace while being violent? What kind of self-righteous ass hole are you? You aren't doing your cause any favors. Nobody takes a screaming idiot seriously.

Fanatic vegetarians/vegans... It's great that you don't eat meat but please don't try to ruin my good time. The only meat I try to shove in people's mouth is about 3 inches long and I'd really prefer if you didn't chew it. In college, some fat bitch decided that it would be a good idea to come up to me while I ate. She told me that meat was murder and that I was an awful person. She wondered if I could eat a human being. I told her I could if they came deep fried. Sure, the tales of torture and pain the chickens that KFC raise sound awful. Sure, my bleeding heart bleeds for them from time to time but, god damn do I love fried chicken. If torture is the secret behind KFC's original recipe then I would like to have all my food mistreated.

Suck it PETA, veggies don't taste as good.

And while we're at it, fuck PETA. Co-founder Ingrid Newkirk comparing the murder of Jews during the holocaust to chickens dying in slaughter houses was completely out of line. PETA is as ass backward as any wacky right wing group. Ingrid has also said that if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, they'd be against it. To me, that's as retarded as the anti-stem cell research lobbyist. Michael W. Fox, vice president of the Human Society, once said "The life of an ant and that of my child should be granted equal consideration.". I'm fine with that so, don't yell at me while I attempt to burn your son with a magnifying glass.

The NRA... well... shit... yeah... I have nothing negative to say about gun-toting lunatics. Please don't kill me.

Fuck whatever asshole did this and fuck the father of this girl. The father had no right to make his little girl a political statement. The asshole that ripped up the sign is another self-righteous douche bag that took things too far. You made a life-long republican out of that little girl with that single act. Thanks, dick head.

I apologize for my thoughts being so scattered right now. I'm just so pissed about everybody. I find myself hating left, right, democrat, republican, atheist, Christians... everyone. I guess I wasn't hugged enough as a child or something. To make it up to you...

Let's hear it for Salma Hayek's breast.